@whlteXbread's (Andrew Catellier) most faved Tweets...
If I had to pick one, I'd say your best quality is your inability to understand back-handed compliments.
Hmm, so instead of a vasectomy, I got a lobotomy. Which is awesome!
Actually, I'm pretty ambivalent about the situation.
Actually, I'm pretty ambivalent about the situation.
Guys. You know that TV I bought so I could watch So You Think You Can Dance? IT GETS THE OFFICE TOO! Awesome.
If I met you last night and tried to touch your boobs: Sorry.
If I met you last night and touched your boobs: What are you doing later?
If I met you last night and touched your boobs: What are you doing later?
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I haven't felt this lame since junior high when I got ditched at Christian skate night for the pastor's son.
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Listen. It's not eye shadow. It's Cheeto dust. No, I'm not telling how it got there. Thanks, though, I guess it does go with my fishnets.
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Bad News—Received a call from "Blocked," answered it and got hung up on.
Good News—According to my phone I had a girlfriend for 7 seconds!
Good News—According to my phone I had a girlfriend for 7 seconds!
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Apparently when your boss says "good job!" and your eyes well up and you hump his leg, it's sexual harassment. I got a nice tip, though.
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It's not “alcoholism.”
It's “System Identification Research” with my body as the system and appletinis as impulses.
Ociffer.
It's “System Identification Research” with my body as the system and appletinis as impulses.
Ociffer.
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Best part of having hair down to my eyes? I don't have to pluck the unibrow.
Worst part? The bad music and making out with teenage boys.
Worst part? The bad music and making out with teenage boys.
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The nice thing about having an aisle seat on a crowded bus is that girls rub their butt on your shoulder.
Well, if you pretend it's a girl.
Well, if you pretend it's a girl.
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Ex: "How do I enable cookies in my browser?"
Me: "Well, when a man loves a woman…"
Ex: "WEB browser!"
Me: "Been that long, eh?"
Me: "Well, when a man loves a woman…"
Ex: "WEB browser!"
Me: "Been that long, eh?"
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And now, ladies and gentlemen, a lesson.
boss + awesome = bossome ≈ bosom
My math skills bring all the milkshakes to the yard.
boss + awesome = bossome ≈ bosom
My math skills bring all the milkshakes to the yard.
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The one thing that makes my flirtatious advances creepy is that you lack the desire to reciprocate. What drink can I buy you to change that?
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What is it about walking against traffic, hair blowing in my eyes, squinting into headlights, hands in pockets that makes me feel so…lonely?
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Was proud of myself for finishing off the milk before it spoiled until the people on the bus somehow found out it had probably just spoiled.
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