Always be yourself, unless you can be batman, then always be batman

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

GF broke up with me today because she say's I'm crazy. I regret all the effort I put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.

Surely they can just call it "Zealand" by now

So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...

Did you know that kangaroos cannot walk backwards?

Australia has some weird laws.

I ordered a pizza today, they said that if they didn't deliver it within half an hour,it's free! So I hung up without giving them my address

I will RT whoever the fuck I want to

Apparently they're bringing out a new vodka with testicles in it.

Absolut Bollocks.

News: Two pedestrians die in collision.

Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?

Her giving birth: "Get this out of me! You did this to me, you fucker!" He: "I wanted anal, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

If you watch Lord of the Rings backwards, it's about a guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the film walking home

I've got an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Twitter is what you want it to be

I'm so old, I forgot which machine I was raging against

A man who saved a 10 year old girl from being abducted claims to be an illegal immigrant.

Great, now they're stealing Batman's job too

Whoever put "Too Cool to Do Drugs" on a pencil is mad -- when you sharpen it changes to Cool to Do Drugs, then Do Drugs and eventually Drugs

Learn from your parent’s mistakes use birth control

What happens when you cut a Prism in half?

All the Prismers escape