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Always be yourself, unless you can be batman, then always be batman
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!
GF broke up with me today because she say's I'm crazy. I regret all the effort I put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.
Surely they can just call it "Zealand" by now
So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...
Did you know that kangaroos cannot walk backwards?
Australia has some weird laws.
I ordered a pizza today, they said that if they didn't deliver it within half an hour,it's free! So I hung up without giving them my address
I will RT whoever the fuck I want to
Apparently they're bringing out a new vodka with testicles in it.
News: Two pedestrians die in collision.
Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?
Her giving birth: "Get this out of me! You did this to me, you fucker!" He: "I wanted anal, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"
If you watch Lord of the Rings backwards, it's about a guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the film walking home
I've got an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
Twitter is what you want it to be
I'm so old, I forgot which machine I was raging against
A man who saved a 10 year old girl from being abducted claims to be an illegal immigrant.
Great, now they're stealing Batman's job too
Whoever put "Too Cool to Do Drugs" on a pencil is mad -- when you sharpen it changes to Cool to Do Drugs, then Do Drugs and eventually Drugs
Learn from your parent’s mistakes use birth control
What happens when you cut a Prism in half?
All the Prismers escape
travel around and sell technology to small countries .... drink......