When packing my emotional baggage, I put psychotic on top so it's readily available.

I'm guessing God was republican and Jesus was a democrat.

To the followers I lost yesterday because of my religious remarks, Jesus was busy masturbating and didn't care so go fuck yourself.

Ever dream you were masturbating wake up and realize you are? Soooooooo cool.

On this day, in 2009, somebody got laid and it wasn't me.

My super power is my tongue.

Have I told you I love you almost as much as beer? I will.

As with children, religious people should be seen and not heard.

Apparently, my favorite sexual position is the on my knees begging one.

How come I could quit meth but I can't quit twitter?

Fuck the Earth. Oh yea, we already have.

Fuck you Oprah. Give me back my goddamn timeline. Do you really have to have it all?

If she says she doesn't bite then it's time to say goodbye.

Roses are red, my thoughts are blue. Things would be better if I could fuck you..

Some people are a waste of oxygen.

4 out of 5 sailors wish semen was referred to by another name.

I wish my dick was as big as a lot of ya'lls ego.

Just sprained my wrist. Thank you Viagra.

Drugs beat the shit out of no drugs.

Suicide is such a depressing name. How 'bout fun w/ guns or fillet of wrist.