haha it's FINALS! look at my REDBULL & COFFEE look at MY FANCY COLLEGE BOOKS it's so COMPLEX and I AM SO SMART & STUDIOUS. HIGHLIGHTER.

try not to feel dumb when ur world crumbles in around u. the gods were trying to help u all along but u never read your fucking horoscope.

CLITERALLY

we built weird twitter on puns and trolls

RT if your dildo has its own pillow on ur bed

animals have no concept of furniture. to them its an extension of the ground. they freak when its moved bc its like youre shifting the world

If you ever end up sleeping with one of your followers you'll have to be awfully careful not to yell out their username.

Forgot to take my allergy medicine. People keep blessing me. Five more and I'm a bishop. Watch out world.

a necrophilic fantasy but where you wish you were the dead one

If you focus your attention on head of Shia Labeouf's penis in the Sigur Ros video you will see my face peering out the hole, winking.

i want a girl with a short skirt and a straaiiiiiight jacket

what's that yoga position called where you lay in bed and drink beer all day

if i was an astronaut i would tweet 'goodbye cruel world' every time i blasted off

How to Discipline a Cat: 1. pick him up 2. support the hiney!! 3. kiss the nose 4. place back down

My best #whitegirlproblem was my mom telling me that my life was 'spiraling out of control' because I hadn't wrapped my Christmas presents

"all it can do is deliver DNA" --an alien observing a human penis

I fucked the flag

.Q <-- a baby ham looking up at a hamster wheel. one day, bud, one day

curiosity has also gotten things landed in uranus but I didn't see everyone celebrating that

Damn Nike makes some fresh ass baby shoes. I'm gonna get some for my cat.