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Every time you argue for intelligent design, science makes another baby gay.
Hating white people is just one more cool thing white people have stolen from black people.
Whoa, guys -- turns out the Illuminati was really the Pen 15 club this whole time.
Never been peer pressured to try drugs. Have been repeatedly peer pressured to watch a show about a high school teacher who makes them.
Just told a medical receptionist how to spell depression and anxiety.
Not saying I'm hung like a horse, but 1.0187311 x 10⁻¹² Astronomical Units ain't too shabby, ladies.
Peter out with your peter out.
Just got an email saying my Nichols and May Pandora station "misses me," so I guess I got the comedy industry right where I want it.
Dude, why are you humping the microphone stand? Do you not see the stool? It's literally right there.
I'll fuck anything that's too depressed to move.
hipster - (noun) Anyone between the ages of 12 and 60 who knows anything about anything. Universally hated.
Tim Tebow is proof there is a God and his priorities are super fucked up.
Makes no sense that there's 7 billion people now, but it's still some whole big thing if I just murder a few of them.
Started writing my autobiography only to realize there's already a book called "A Series of Unfortunate Events"
Tweet the gist of your suicide note to spare your friends and loved ones from having to pretend to read all five pages.
I act like I think I'm god's white elephant gift to women.
If you don't believe marijuana causes brain damage, please explain why I listened to Primus' Seas of Cheese like 20 times last week.
Can't start my work day until I've drunk two cups of coffee and completed the seven stages of grief.
Some guy, tricking you into looking at his nipple.
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