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Every time you argue for intelligent design, science makes another baby gay.
Hating white people is just one more cool thing white people have stolen from black people.
Whoa, guys -- turns out the Illuminati was really the Pen 15 club this whole time.
Never been peer pressured to try drugs. Have been repeatedly peer pressured to watch a show about a high school teacher who makes them.
Just told a medical receptionist how to spell depression and anxiety.
Not saying I'm hung like a horse, but 1.0187311 x 10⁻¹² Astronomical Units ain't too shabby, ladies.
Peter out with your peter out.
Just got an email saying my Nichols and May Pandora station "misses me," so I guess I got the comedy industry right where I want it.
Dude, why are you humping the microphone stand? Do you not see the stool? It's literally right there.
I'll fuck anything that's too depressed to move.
hipster - (noun) Anyone between the ages of 12 and 60 who knows anything about anything. Universally hated.
Tim Tebow is proof there is a God and his priorities are super fucked up.
Makes no sense that there's 7 billion people now, but it's still some whole big thing if I just murder a few of them.
Started writing my autobiography only to realize there's already a book called "A Series of Unfortunate Events"
Tweet the gist of your suicide note to spare your friends and loved ones from having to pretend to read all five pages.
I act like I think I'm god's white elephant gift to women.
If you don't believe marijuana causes brain damage, please explain why I listened to Primus' Seas of Cheese like 20 times last week.
Can't start my work day until I've drunk two cups of coffee and completed the seven stages of grief.