One woman's trash is another woman's future ex-husband.

Sure you can stick your chicken in a duck in a turkey but when I pour my vodka into a beer & pop a vicodin, all of a sudden I have issues.

If by Christmas spirit you mean topless, drunk, and horny, then yes - yes I am in the Christmas spirit. Thank you baby Jesus.

I picked my 6 year old up 15 minutes ago and have heard the word "mom" 47 times. Related: I like beer.

Signed into Facebook so I could find out where everyone will be this weekend. I now have my list of places to avoid. Strategery, folks.

Idea: Let's all become Facebook friends and offend the shit out of our real world friends.

I'd rather have these dorks at work stare at my cleavage than talk to me. My boobs are in on it too.

Forehead Zit update: My man said I look like a Klingon. I told him I guess there goes his dreams of getting a blowjob from a Klingon.

Everytime I walk around the block and see the back of my house from the next street, it reminds me neighbors have all seen me naked.

Its not my fault I drive like a crazy bitch to work. Its because this 25 minute drive doesn't fit into these 10 minutes like they should.

Hey Einstein. If you argue with me for 30 mins that we do not need a fucking mediator, chances are we need a fucking mediator.

Dear Neighbor: I hope you enjoyed my boobs as much as I enjoyed rubbing lotion on them. Reminder to self: Close blinds before showering.

I would like this conference call to occur in person once so everyone could witness the hatred and disgust on my face. And my middle finger.

Top 2 things about working from home: No bra. No underwear.

6yo (falling asleep): Mommy would you eat a worm for $1000? Me: Yes, I would sweetie. Would you? 6yo: I'd eat it for $10. --(That's my boy!)

When life gets me down, I just go back to the basics...alcohol, sex, and denial.

Even though I feel white and blonde...I'm still white and blonde and damn fuckers, people pay good money for that shit.

I did such a stellar job writing my performance review today that once submitted, I crawled under my desk and had sex with myself.

My facebook friends are taking a quiz: What random object are you?

I assume their results will be either "douchebag" or "gaping asshole".

I think I just gave Starbucks a blowjob. I'm sticky, wet, smell like pumpkin spice, and have crust in my hair. #spilledmyfuckingcoffee