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If I spent as much time on my resume as I did on NCAA brackets, I'd have a job. But then I'd miss the games, so it's a good thing I didn't.
So far I have about twenty people not wearing green locked in my basement.
What? Well, what's your definition of 'pinch'...
What? Well, what's your definition of 'pinch'...
I had a Naked Burrito for dinner and it was the first time I wished something in my mouth had its clothes on.
Pi Day? Steak and Blowjob Day? I'm dyslexic, a vegetarian and single. Let me know when it's National Everyone Gets Laid Day.
Old Navy claims their Whirly Skirt is "the most fun a girl can have for $15." They obviously haven't been on a trip with me to Mexico.
Kirk's crazy, Doogie's gay and Corey's dead. My childhood dreams of marrying them still sounds better than any of my current prospects.
"If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side."
Or polish off a bottle of vodka. That works too.
Or polish off a bottle of vodka. That works too.
99%of women say they dn't like men who wear leather pants.This works out perfectly,since 100% of men who wear leather pants dn't like women.
13
Just got a cup of coffee at the Wal-Mart snack bar and now my mouth tastes like I gargled with sorrow.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
It's been said that glitter is the herpes of craft supply. This is why people at Hallmark die very slowly.
Something about no souls.
Something about no souls.
3
Just had a moment of panic that I left my Furby at home with no food. Then I remembered he was involved in the microwave masssacre of 92.
1
It's when you find yourself sitting on a hay pile, naked, and wearing a sombrero, that you start seeing life as subjective.
14
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