Of course you're hot, you're 18. Even ugly people are hot at 18. Be hot at 30 if you want to really turn heads.

I know I'm getting older because I used to hate going to bed; now I'll take a nap at a red light.

“I remember when I chose to be gay”. – Nobody.

My favorite beer is weed.

I fuckin’ hate how homeless people try to look extra sad when it’s raining.

“You’re lucky to be alive.” – Me to every cyclist I’ve ever passed on the road.

Hiding under your covers doesn't work when the monsters are inside you.

I hate the way the neighbor looks at me when I’m staring in his window. Fuck you, and your weird lookin’ dick.

I saw a cat shitting in the rain today; seemed worth mentioning.

I’m going places! Jail, hell, the liquor store, you know places.

Drugs do kill brain cells. As a kid I could name all the dinosaurs. Now I can name maybe three, and I’m not even sure armadillos count.

It can’t get in your hair if you swallow it.

I swear Canada is the northern hemisphere’s best kept secret.

Funny is drawing a dick on your unconscious friend's face. Halarious is tracing a dick on your unconscious friend's face.

I like us, we’re funny.

OK, so apparently punching bitches in the tits is NOT how you fight breast cancer.

If the Christians hadn’t invented sinning, I wouldn’t have shit to do on weekends.

That weed's not gonna smoke itself. I'd be pissed if it did, 'cause it damn sure didn't pay for itself.

"Well you should, I'm on it all the fuckin' time." - My answer to, "I don't pay you to play on Twitter".

I'm gonna be so embarrassed if December 22 rolls around and I'm the only one on a killing spree.