"Well, that was stupid." -Me, at the end of everyday.

I have only one facial expression: suspicion.

Lately, sighs are my main way of breathing.

Doorbell rang twice before noon. Hopefully the rain will wash away the blood.

I think we could cure my OCD if 'someone' in my house would just stop using the sinks, toilets, walking on carpets & touching things.

Ugh...women. Am I right, guys? Ugh...men. Am I right, ladies? Ugh...kids. Am I right, parents?

How is my day going? A restaurant menu food description just pissed me off.

Damn! All I did was whisper, "Boobs and bacon" into my pillow and my Twitter following increased by 15 percent.

Whose copy of 'The Canterbury Tales' did I borrow? Oh, sorry. Wrong group.

You know I mean business when I spin my phone keyboard into landscape mode.

My dog kisses me to get to the beer in my mouth just like the homeless do.

When Twitter freezes I worry that I lost 86 friends all at the same time. Kinda like that time in 6th grade.

My collection of doll eyes are FINALLY soaking in the bathtub.

my TL is what it sounds like when doves cry

Trying to be a better person. Awkward.

I burn all the calories feigning interest.

I love how I smell fresh cut watermelon when there are no watermelons around and then I have a seizure.

If you follow someone who won't follow back, just think of how selfish they probably are in bed.

My favorite drinking game is my life.

Hey guys. There's a software update for my phone. So I guess this is goodbye.