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WebMD just diagnosed me with "handsome".Then diagnosed me with "I'm just kidding, you ugly fuck". Symptoms include being led into an insult.
Gay and lesbian couples have the highest rate of homosexuality in the nation. Second highest in the nation, dolphins.
Congratulations Amy Winehouse on 24 hours of sobriety!
An online college degree is a lot like a bowl of chili; if it ends up on your wall, you're probably retarded.
Dogs resemble a hurt kangaroo when pooping.
You might be surprised but I get twice as many chicks when my sweatpants don't smell like ass and popcorn shrimp.
Survey suggests USA isthe #2 most sexually active county. USA is also the fattest country in the world. So somebody is fucking these fatties
Most of my happiness is derived from clicking the "Like this" option on sad status updates.
If you have to force a fart as much as I just did..... Don't do it.
Stay calm and turn off capslock.
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bartender gives it to her.
Payback is best served discreetly on a toothbrush.
How much can a beefcake beef if a beefcake couldn't beef cake?
Cause I wanna beef your cake.
Swallowing a tooth kind of grosses me out but not as much as swallowing someone else's tooth or the event that led up to that.
"Banana Starbursts, you've disappointed me for the last time" will probably be somewhere in my suicide letter.
Hot news anchor.... Tv is always finding new and clever ways to give me a boner.
Well she looked pretty upset about the situation so I pissed a little in her hair to cheer her up.
It did not work.
Do you think the smell of bacon has converted any of the Jewish?
Most of my happiness is derived from clicking the Like this option on sad status updates.