The Boy just mumbled "washed in blood" in his sleep.
We're fucked aren't we?

Why are so many of my socks in @tj's laundry basket? Also, where the heck is all my lotion?

Thank you all for your warm welcome to the wonderful world of Twitter. Our son is now an orphan.

I'm not starring you is the new I've got a headache.

Is it wrong to be turned on by my own cleavage?

Dear Construction Worker constantly going in Reverse, Thank you for waking me with your Beep Beep Beeping. Beep you in the beeping beep. Me

OH The Boy (with Twizzler in hand) 'Hello my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my Father. Expecto Patronum!' I love his mixed movie-phors!

The director of our church's Vacation Bible School called: "I need a whip and I thought of you." So I've got that going for me.

What I just said to a group of 16 yr olds: "Hey, did you know that the Dodge symbol looks like a uterus?" I should not be allowed to teach.

A bagel with two tubs of cream cheese, 'cause that's how I (have) roll(s).

The Boy is dressed in full on camo, riding his four wheeler & belting out Dancing Queen. Screw stereotypes!

Life is too short not to pause what you're doing and watch a puppy have a running dream.

Dear Little kid who smashed the awesome submarine we made out of sand before getting a picture: FUCK YOU! I hope you drown

I am now certifiable.
No, wait!
Certified.
I'm certified in CPR & First Aid.
So, if you fall, break an arm & have a stroke, still call 911!

I went to NYC and all I got was this bright red handprint on my ass.

"I had two pieces of success!"
The Boy describing his BM.
We're so proud! ;)

If I were to ever have a podcast it would be called "Cocks on Strange Surfaces"

To say that 'The Race to Witch Mountain' is a bad movie & The Rock's 'acting' is deplorable is to insult bad movies & deplorable acting.

Happiness IS a warm Beagle. Especially when she is having a running dream complete with jowel flapping *aroo* sound effects.

True love is giving your kid your last piece of bacon.

True parenting is bribing them with that last piece of bacon to eat their apple.