Ever run out of milk for your cereal so instead you use orange juice and instead of cereal you use vodka?

If you are gonna have a boob shot as your profile pic try not to be fat.

Gonna go get married, then divorced and become very bitter just so I can fit in with you assholes.

I have the urge to sprinkle birth control around my neighbor's yard

Everyday I am amazed at how so many of you assholes got people to marry you.

Somewhere out there is a chick dressed up as a slutty nurse laying in her puke.

I slammed my middle finger in the car door after drinking and driving and now I can't even give the finger to the cop who pulled me over.

First pole dancing class tomorrow at 6:30. 6:31 cocaine habit begins.

So are these rainbows just a way to let us know you are down with the anal??

If you haven't been blocked on Facebook just go ahead and delete twitter. You don't belong.

Cake Vodka smells like a fat girl's drinking problem.

Thought i just saw my ex, but when I double looked realized it was just a drunk bald man in his 40s with a beer gut. Everyone has a twin!

Sharpies are for sniffing not for drawing on eyebrows.

Who else hits a speed bump and checks in the rear view mirror that it wasn't a body? Just me?

I bet Santa's pubes don't smell like Christmas.

"I don't care about how many followers I have"-assholes

Hey Guy with the neck tattoo...come to my family's Thanksgiving dinner with me so I wont ever have to go to another one!

I need to get my priorities together and go to the liquor store.

My neighbor gives me that look like he has sniffed my panties before.

There are 2 groups on here..single ppl bitching about how they don't get laid and married ppl bitching about how they don't get laid. Fuck!