It's all fun and games until they come out with Call of Duty: You're Drafted.

I knew about the Hunger Games way back when it was still called Africa.

Better Than Ezra cover band called Better Than Better Than Ezra meets with rival band Better Than Better Than Better Than Ezra. Knife fight.

Pretty sure there are more Resident Evil movies than times I've had sex this year.

How to be a great chef in two easy steps:
1. Wear chef hat
2. Repeat previous step

You can't say you hate yourself unless you've watched back to back episodes of According To Jim in their entirety for no goddamn reason.

If helicopters are so great why can't they swim?

Hey people of Gotham, have you ever considered moving?

Sometimes I think I would be good in a fight and then I remember how much Joni Mitchell I listen to.

Chairs that don't recline really need to get their shit together.

@normmacdonald bye, bye, this American guy named Buddy Holly. - Don McLean early draft

I called Tim a liar when said he had a pocket full of sunshine and his pants caught on fire. Not sure if he proved me right or wrong.

John Cusack must have a clause in his contract requiring every character he plays to talk about listening to records.

One more day until half the people are like WOO and half the people are like BOO and all the cows are like MOO.

Remember when Bush won because he said John Kerry's purple heart was bullshit? Obama should do that about Mitt Romney's actual heart.

Unknown brother Kevin Kardashian spends his days masturbating to Highlights magazine and still contributes more to society than his family.

It's not delivery, I spent all day slaving away in the kitchen to make you a home cooked meal and all you do is insult me. I want a divorce.

Strawberry Fields for a few hours but then I have errands and stuff.

Here's lookin at you, bitch. #movielinefirstdrafts

"You'll kangaroo the day you crossed me!" - How to properly threaten an Australian.