Sara Jessica Parker pulled that Royal Wedding carriage like a boss.

Auto correct can go straight to He'll

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with cucumber slices on her eyes, I wonder where the rest of it is.

I have no idea how a baby squeezes out of a vagina. I have a tough time getting my hand in a Pringles can.

My kids call the key hole of the trunk the cars butthole. Now I can't help but to spit on the key everytime I open the trunk.

My super power is getting off of the elevator on the wrong floor while reading my timeline and wondering where my desk went.

I like my abs so much that I am protecting them behind this massive layer of fat to prevent damage

I gave up watching who follows me when I saw a kitten in Iowa has a million followers and only writes meow.

The most sensitive part of my body when I masturbate is my ears, listening for footsteps.

I asked the black guy at the deli where the crackers are in the store. We shared an uncomfortable shared silence, then a laugh

Support the underfollowed. We all started with zero followers.

Ever write something super funny, get like two favs and think if someone else wrote it then it would blow up? That's me every day.

Just got home and one of the twins said "Daddy, you're handsome". Excuse me for a moment while I go out and buy her the world.

I heard Snooki does 2000 crunches a day. Just by looking at her I bet they are Nestle Crunches.

Saw a story that a woman poisoned her husbands milkshake then killed him. I'm not going anywhere near her yard.

Please don't wear super high heels to work if you can't walk in them. You look dumb. Or like a newborn pony.

The difference between me and Santa is that he stopped after three HOs

If TSA touches me any longer they are going to have to pull me aside for having more than three ounces of liquid in my pants.

I haven't been tested for STDs in years simply because I doubt I can catch anything from my hand.

I think my wife is confusing sex with planking.