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"Don't forget I fucked your waitress" Comedians
My safe word is umpf rum merma wah
Fun trick to make your work day go faster. Whenever someone asks you to do something, silently in your head, add "for my balls"
The only reason we got a female dog is that I don't want to own an animal with a bigger dick than mine.
We can put a man on the moon and return him safely to earth but can't put a bra in the dryer? What kind of shit is that?
Double stuffed. Good for Oreos, bad for butt holes.
I remember the good old days of Twitter when 90% of my timeline wasn't RTs.
I want to party with the hot chick in front of me that just picked up her prescription, then walked next door to the liquor store.
I want to shoot someone point blank in the chest with a tshirt gun because who doesn't love a free tshirt
Taking it out for a little bit to get it soft works great for ice cream. Strangely enough, that same advise works the opposite for a penis.
I didn't come close to winning the huge $600 million lottery jackpot. Just like Lance Armstrong, I only got one ball.
Today's dog training was learning to come when you call her and obedience. I'm going to try that on my wife but without the squirt bottle.
You know who doesn't give a fuck? The dog that takes a huge shit on the carpet right in the middle of the living room during a dinner party.
"No. Yes. Yes. English. Yes. Yes. I said English! No. Yes. Fuck you. Eat my asshole. Die cunt. Hello?" How my automatic calls go.
I read that porn is over 80% of the Internet. Challenge accepted.
I'm not saying she's a whore, but she says "yeah, let's go" more than Lil' Jon.
The new dog trainer came over tonight and all I have to say about her is that porn has been lying to me all this time.
This whole spit or swallow debate is stupid. I don't care what you do with it. Put it in a jar for all I fucking care.
Ex ninja master, five time Emmy award watcher, porn star, writer, lover, actor, I tickle crocodiles for fun, big time liar.