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I eat Blow Pops everyday because gum shouldn't be held prisoner like that. You're free, little man. You're free.
I scored a sausage maker for super cheap today, so now I can eat cased ice cream and spaghetti while I drive.
The screen told me to "insert card again" but I read it as "insert cardigan" and now we have a problem at pump 8.
The gas pump told me to "insert card again" but I read it as "insert cardigan" and now we have a problem at pump 8.
C is short for O
BLACK FRIDAY DEAL: at my house you can wake up at noon and watch 20 episodes of The Walking Dead for free
College is all about how far your vehicle can make it on E.
I'd hate being a doctor cause that's way too much stuff to be Googling all day.
If you want to wear Uggs today but don't because people will make fun of you, that still counts as wearing them.
Ladies, there is NOTHING more attractive than you pursuing the heart of God. Everything else is fabricated.
Anytime that I ever think my parents didn't raise me right, I go back and remember that my Facebook profile picture isn't of my truck.
Only two scenarios of my college career. 1: "I BOMBED that test." Failed it. 2: "I freakin showed that test who's boss!" Failed it.
This garage sale sucks. Only one garage here and someone already owns it.
Richard Sherman has been waiting for that moment ever since Crabtree wrote that he was gay in their high school yearbook.
Girls, our utility bills are cheaper than yours because we don't turn the water faucet on while we pee when company is over.
If I won the lottery, the first thing I'd do is get Super Unleaded gas.
People down south are a lot more attractive than people up north. Also, people react much differently to that statement up north.
On the iPhone 6 if you try to take a mirror pic, the phone explodes and your brains go everywhere.
Writer. Comedian. I'd rather be watching Cops.
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