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I eat Blow Pops everyday because gum shouldn't be held prisoner like that. You're free, little man. You're free.
I scored a sausage maker for super cheap today, so now I can eat cased ice cream and spaghetti while I drive.
Girls pair up to go to the restroom because there are ping pong tables in there.
The gas pump told me to "insert card again" but I read it as "insert cardigan" and now we have a problem at pump 8.
College is all about how far your vehicle can make it on E.
If you want to wear Uggs today but don't because people will make fun of you, that still counts as wearing them.
Ladies, there is NOTHING more attractive than you pursuing the heart of God. Everything else is fabricated.
I'd hate being a doctor cause that's way too much stuff to be Googling all day.
Anytime that I ever think my parents didn't raise me right, I go back and remember that my Facebook profile picture isn't of my truck.
Girls, our utility bills are cheaper than yours because we don't turn the water faucet on while we pee when company is over.
If I won the lottery, the first thing I'd do is get Super Unleaded gas.
Only two scenarios of my college career. 1: "I BOMBED that test." Failed it. 2: "I freakin showed that test who's boss!" Failed it.
I went to college, that was fun. 6 million Snooze hits later, now I'm done.
BLACK FRIDAY DEAL: at my house you can wake up at noon and watch 20 episodes of The Walking Dead for free
A black man, a DJ, and a banjo player walk into a bar. They write Avicii's Wake Me Up.
LSU wins, "I'D LET LES DO OPEN HEART SURGERY ON ME". LSU loses, "GET THIS FOOL A BURGER KING APPLICATION" Y'all funny.
God knew ketchup bottles would make fart sounds and that's another reason why I love Him.
"No mom, everything is taken. EVERYTHING IS TAKEN!!" - Saliva when naming their band
People are just now praying for the election? We all know prayer takes 5-7 business days to work.