Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I'm stalking this blind guy..I'm really awesome at it, he doesn't even notice me
Aunt told me when you get old you pee a little when you cough. Sounds super gross and awesome at the same time
I just sneezed and farted at the same time. Am I not to young for that to happen?
Me: you could use chicken manure on your soil too. Friend: chicken manure?? I didn't know you get different flavours of manure! Me: IDIOT!
If I punch your erection will you cry? Will you cum? These are the questions that haunt me..
You look like I need another drink..
Sometimes I say I'm leaving just so you'll beg me to stay. You never beg me to stay so I end up looking like a retard when I don't go. Ass
Don't DM me unless you want to say hey, or ask something. Don't send me links, I doubt ppl are talking bad about me or I look diff in a pic.
Hey slut who gave me the evil eye as I walked past..I'm sorry that I'm prettier than you and sorry that your man was looking at my rack.
Me: use a thesaurus, do you know what that is? Brother: a dinosaur..Duh
Saw the man of my dreams, he was handsome and tall and just perfect..until he turned to the other side and I saw his big pink manbag. dammit
Whenever I feel down I just think it could be worse, I could be Torres and then I laugh and I carry on being broke.
I'm just tweeting this to let you all know that I am alive I just can't think of anything funny to tweet.
Mom asked me to make tea. Like bitch Matthew just went outta Masterchef and I lost 20 bucks 'cause I bet he would win. Fucking tea can wait!
Wearing a Liverpool bracelet..had a 6yo tell me "LiverFOOL! YOU'LL ALWAYS WALK ALONE!!!" I backed away real fast..Man united supporter..
This girl just said "guess he's never gonna talk to me anytime soon" so I screamed and head butted her. LEARN ENGLISH YOU WHORE!
Asked my mom "why are you still smoking?" She replied "arrgh, why are YOU still BREATHING?" Okay then..
Watching a scary movie. Oh my God what was that sound? Oh it's just my uneven breathing.
All went downhill for United when Nani got sent off-Chelsea UCL final 2-0 down, won it eventually, LFC Istanbul, 3-0 down...United=no spirit
Oh my God, glory fans shut up! If you can name the entire United team that played today then I'll listen to you gloat.
I'm a Liverpool supporter so I'm used to insults and disappointment. #LFC #YNWA, hopefully. #LFC4LIFE