I'm stalking this blind guy..I'm really awesome at it, he doesn't even notice me

Aunt told me when you get old you pee a little when you cough. Sounds super gross and awesome at the same time

I just sneezed and farted at the same time. Am I not to young for that to happen?

Me: you could use chicken manure on your soil too. Friend: chicken manure?? I didn't know you get different flavours of manure! Me: IDIOT!

If I punch your erection will you cry? Will you cum? These are the questions that haunt me..

You look like I need another drink..

Sometimes I say I'm leaving just so you'll beg me to stay. You never beg me to stay so I end up looking like a retard when I don't go. Ass

Don't DM me unless you want to say hey, or ask something. Don't send me links, I doubt ppl are talking bad about me or I look diff in a pic.

Hey slut who gave me the evil eye as I walked past..I'm sorry that I'm prettier than you and sorry that your man was looking at my rack.

Me: use a thesaurus, do you know what that is? Brother: a dinosaur..Duh

Saw the man of my dreams, he was handsome and tall and just perfect..until he turned to the other side and I saw his big pink manbag. dammit

Whenever I feel down I just think it could be worse, I could be Torres and then I laugh and I carry on being broke.

I'm just tweeting this to let you all know that I am alive I just can't think of anything funny to tweet.

Mom asked me to make tea. Like bitch Matthew just went outta Masterchef and I lost 20 bucks 'cause I bet he would win. Fucking tea can wait!

Wearing a Liverpool bracelet..had a 6yo tell me "LiverFOOL! YOU'LL ALWAYS WALK ALONE!!!" I backed away real fast..Man united supporter..

This girl just said "guess he's never gonna talk to me anytime soon" so I screamed and head butted her. LEARN ENGLISH YOU WHORE!

Asked my mom "why are you still smoking?" She replied "arrgh, why are YOU still BREATHING?" Okay then..

Watching a scary movie. Oh my God what was that sound? Oh it's just my uneven breathing.

All went downhill for United when Nani got sent off-Chelsea UCL final 2-0 down, won it eventually, LFC Istanbul, 3-0 down...United=no spirit

Oh my God, glory fans shut up! If you can name the entire United team that played today then I'll listen to you gloat.