Strep throat. Could not swollow for a week. That's how I got pregnant.

Some people have one of those days. I have one of those lives.

There's nothing like sharing a McGuyver-inspired can bong to rekindle our love for one another.

If dicks tasted like bacon, men would get more blowjobs.

If I have starred or you seen a RT from me, dont get excited. It's not that I liked it dumbass, my toddler had my phone.

When you star Fuck me, I want you to use the WHOLE star.

If I always have to shit at festive gatherings, does that mean I am a party pooper?

I seemed to have woke up in a bathtub full of ice in Mexico and missing a kidney. But I still have my tweeting fingers so all is good.

Humans stress me.

Yes. That 32 oz styro foam cup is my wine glass.

This is beginning to suck, the only wet spot that's been my bed for awhile is from a leaky baby bottle.

Everybody listen up! My ass has an announcement to make.

If you guys don’t see a tweet from me in a couple of days, you'll know bail money was hard to come by.

It is not about how many people follow you. It is about who following you.

Come to think of it, I have never seen a zombie climb a tree. I think i will build a treehouse.

My hands are literally sore to the touch; that really was some fierce masturbating last night and this morning.

I guess I will start reading warning labels. Well at least until my eyebrows grow back.

If it makes me laugh I star it. If it makes me pee a little I RT it. If it makes me wet I ... fuck I forgot what I was tweeting.

You know your raising your toddler right when they take a drink of Kool-aid and try to chase it with milk.

I swear im not trying to be a bitch. It just comes natural.