You'd be surprised at how difficult it is to teach a robot to do 'the robot'.

Boy oh boy do I miss my 20's



My wallet misses them too.

My wife asked me "how come you haven't been tweeting lately?"
I hadn't realized she was into me like that.

Let it be known: When I die, please, none of this respect for the dead crap. Roast me like a like a Thanksgiving turkey in hell. That is all

I don't trust people who whisper. Seems like they're hiding something.

Do you know what's the best thing about being insane?
Yes, exactly.

My daughter is in preschool. They're learning about letters.
When asked to give a word that begins with the letter T she said: TWITTER

I love Friday afternoons here because nobody pays attention to anything you write. Everyone's got their weekend beer-goggles on. Chewbacca.

This Halloween I rediscovered my love for Banana Laffy Taffy.


That and my love for scaring the crap out of little kids.

The streets have no name. I am lost.

Sleep. I gotta get one of those.

The ratio of Ho-Ho's intake to vegetable consumption is directly proportionate to the ratio of belly over-hang to view of genitals.
Sadly.

BREAKING NEWS: Willie Nelson charged with possession of Marijuana. In other news, scientists discover that water is in fact wet.

I want a fast-food restaurant that sells only healthy food and has a drive-thru window.

Make it happen.

With Twitter adding geolocation to tweets, now I wont be able to tweet from the toilet at work for 2 hours when I should be in my office.

Just discovered "English (Pirate)" on Facebook.
What tongue be ye' speakin' in?

I lack the social skills necessary to properly answer the question: "what are you doing?"

Wife: Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Me: Not an assassin girl. Her best friend is a sniper rifle.
Wife: Stupahead™.

Too tired. Long day. Need sleep. Or coffee. Or coffee. Or coffee. Or sleep.

What happens on Leap day, stays on Leap Day.