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  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    I like my coffee like I like my women: with absolute certainty that no one's penis has been in them.

    • 276
    • FAVS
    assenassenovViva_La_KimmieMarcusOreallyMmeLaCrooznoahjohnmac______LBelle1JadeR61799Acoyle33
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    SashainLightsTacoBelIevmarino35imojeenmylifeasasammieBelascoBlackSidMILBThrobbbNHood______
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    At least I have a job. At least I have a job. At least I have a job. At least I have a job. At least I have a job. At least I have a job.

    • 210
    • FAVS
    assenassenovViva_La_KimmieMmeLaCrooznoahjohnmac______LBelle1JadeR61799Pulse_NYCWeirAmiAt
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    redkedabo________oneshadieladySeeEllVeeflagrantidiocyRoseRambo82farleftcoastTheNaughtyNymphAComicTragedy
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    There are two classes of Scrabble player: people who are not as smart as I and poopyfaced cheaters.

    • 193
    • FAVS
    Viva_La_Kimmienoahjohnmac______maulifuffJadeR61799TalkingNostrilsladyjazsjunkHalfmo_rocks______TrickDaWeedBear
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    ladyjazsjunkGinlicker________VenusManTrap22farleftcoasttiffindramaJebenhackFavstar500Favssitsonthefence____
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    I'm starting to suspect that a lot of homophobia stems from an overestimation of one's attractiveness to the same sex.

    • 137
    • FAVS
    LBelle1JadeR61799Alittle_BashfulDontCallMeLivHalfmo_rocks______samyspaz__________fayechewtergoodballs
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    bradleygarwoodladyjazsjunkDontCallMeLivTrickDaWeedBearTooMuchPathos____jahan_tysonkasonflairfarleftcoast
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    Wife tells me: "a good husband would take my car out and fill it up."

    I've been working on my good wife list the whole way home.

    • 140
    • FAVS
    LBelle1TrickDaWeedBearSeeEllVeefarleftcoastSRQ2UDeschainGilead____LipglosslesboPrettyGeeky
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    SilkPillow________AmyStar653IonaMeaghanFavstar500Favsfavstar1000favs
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    In Kingman AZ "clean restroom" apparently means "does not contain a dead prostitute."

    • 141
    • FAVS
    SeeEllVeefarleftcoastSRQ2UzombotPrettyGeekypat_hmDavidOzmundGinaRitter
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    favstar1000favs
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    Well, this bladder isn't going to empty itself.

    Oh, wait... Hey, whaddya know?

    • 138
    • FAVS
    Pulse_NYCWeirAmiAtTrickDaWeedBearMiloKilledPunkhoopahoepdaliamalekSeeEllVeefarleftcoast
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    SeeEllVeefavstar1000favsakocebuanoyP
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    $0.99 margaritas, you say? Tell you what, here's a $50. Whatever's left once I'm on the floor is yours.

    • 134
    • FAVS
    LBelle1TalkingNostrilsQuirkyCdnChick____goodballsAcoyle33uhhhleashuhhhDeuces2youTrickDaWeedBear
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    ladyjazsjunkoneshadieladyKimmiepolitanfarleftcoastfavstar1000favs
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    If I were to "dumb it down" for you any more than this, I'd be mooing at you.

    • 123
    • FAVS
    LBelle1aclevergirlTrickDaWeedBearSeeEllVeefarleftcoastHalfCocked_JackSRQ2ULoveTweeted
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    erythrodontstarterchick28pRHOfound_gr8ceLiza_WhiteSyKoMuzikk2013NaturalLioness_TwiterHerosjcakes
    DeschainGilead____
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    My neighbor's musical lawn Santa self-immolated overnight. That's like the fourth one now. Weird, huh?

    • 129
    • FAVS
    llvvzzLBelle1TrickDaWeedBearSeeEllVeefarleftcoastSRQ2Upat_hmDavidOzmund
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favsfavstar1000favs
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    I admit I'm a little taken aback by men who brag about "wrecking that pussy." You do understand that, with care, those are reusable?

    • 90
    • FAVS
    daveguy7midagasmViva_La_KimmiemaulifuffaclevergirlDataSnakeLawbsterSaidDeuces2you
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    022119921239Viva_La_KimmiearuiguladyjazsjunkindahoodzzKiannaThoughtsStephenDubyaCherrym_1982
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    So THAT'S what 8 hrs of sleep feels like! It really was rather nice. Next I think I'll try this sex thing you all keep going on about.

    • 114
    • FAVS
    LBelle1TrickDaWeedBearSeeEllVeefarleftcoastSRQ2ULipglosslesbopat_hmDavidOzmund
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favsjoelpintofavstar1000favsJajaSoyBrujitahanaames
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    Daughter let slip that one of her school friends is a stripper now but won't say who or where. This could be awkward someday. And expensive.

    • 115
    • FAVS
    TrickDaWeedBearSeeEllVeefarleftcoastSRQ2ULipglosslesboDavidOzmundOliverSmiffpenbleth
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsFavstar500Favs
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    Downloaded a follower tracking app. It's called "Everyone hates you and you'll die alone, you miserable little man.app," or something.

    • 114
    • FAVS
    TrickDaWeedBearSeeEllVeefarleftcoastSRQ2UDavidOzmundvegasthehardwayKenBOrlandozombot
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsaharpaz
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    It's NOT a bathrobe! It's a smoking jacket.

    Yeah, okay, it's a bathrobe. At least I have my brandy snifter.

    Fine, it's a 40. Whatever.

    • 111
    • FAVS
    LBelle1TrickDaWeedBearSeeEllVeefarleftcoastSRQ2UDeschainGilead____KenBOrlandozombot
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsLovinglyLuLu
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    Dude, checking Facebook AGAIN? You are such a loser.

    Hang on while I tweet that. What?

    • 104
    • FAVS
    Pulse_NYCB_poling82WeirAmiAttinymattressesbitchpweezewickednoizeTrickDaWeedBearhoopahoep
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    Albert_InloveCanadian_Hoserfavstar1000favsAlliceInWinterSeeEllVee
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    Boss is in Scotland, co-workers are in CA. I'm all alone in the warehouse. You know what this means, right? OMG I'M DRIVING THE FORKLIFT!!!

    • 103
    • FAVS
    ImaTalkingmightyweaklingsnookiitaylorTrickDaWeedBearSeeEllVeefarleftcoastSRQ2UTequilaTears
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    TrickDaWeedBearfavstar1000favs
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    Sometimes, deep in the night, a man finds himself haunted by the memory of what he did for that Klondike bar.

    • 98
    • FAVS
    MarcusOreallyLBelle1aclevergirlTrickDaWeedBearSeeEllVeefarleftcoastSRQ2Uzombot
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Tittybear1MarcusOreallyJeniScagnetti
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    Does anyone actually read the public timeline? Because honestly it's like trying to have a conversation with a tinfoil hatted hobo.

    • 97
    • FAVS
    MarcusOreallyLBelle1FreshBris________TrickDaWeedBearLawbsterSaidSeeEllVeehoopahoepemily_thompson
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    ladyjazsjunkafifteenfarleftcoast
  • wood
      Darrin Blankenship @wood

    God hates fags? Well, ok. Santa hates Jews. Imaginary people are just dicks, I guess.

    • 53
    • FAVS
    FreakdadbillismydadxHobosexualx______HipyetiCrMul____________Texaslovakia______PeetrTweetrLeLeIsMe
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    _cathrynyvonneAccioAubreeOldCourtneyterizemorecoreyandonFavstar_NSFWTexaslovakia______imalilfrazy
    HeyItsScruffy
@wood

@wood

Magical, beautiful assholes.