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@wood's (Wood) recent favourites. See who @wood favs the most...
BobDylanSays
The empty rooms where her memory is protected,
@BobDylanSays
1
wood
conanobrienswyf
My life coach told me to keep my eye on the ball. I've been staring at this guys balls for over an hour. I don't see how this helps my life
@conanobrienswyf
Ja_La
Conversely, religious people hurt certain people, and Atheists believe no one is above an ass whoopin'.
@Ja_La
5
justinjewellMODATUPTIGHTerTwitchingDoubtwood
Ja_La
Atheists help everyone, while religious people only help "certain people."
@Ja_La
8
justinjewellMODATUPTIGHTerTwitchingDoubtdatnguyendavio1962blondediva11wood
jorshuwah
My gf taught me this new position called "missionary". It's really good. I think were going to do it a lot now.
@jorshuwah
ruthakers
www.eHominy.com because vegetables need love too.

That was really corny.

THESE ARE THE JOKES PEOPLE.

THESE ARE THE JOKES.
@ruthakers
OverlandParker
Before you go thinking I'm white trash maybe I should remind you that there's wine inside this styrofoam cup.
@OverlandParker
CinderellaJoey
Tech guy: "and this new ventilator will revolutionize patient care".
Me: "Can it make me a sandwich?"
Yeah, that shut him up, alright.
@CinderellaJoey
8
BettyLieslesbeebewoodsnydUPTIGHTerCapsaholicmyrnagirl73rationalists
goldengateblond
It's so cute how this cookie dough wrapper tells me how to properly save the leftovers. Because, yeah, that'll happen.
@goldengateblond
bestgirlbetty
Three of my relatives are expecting. Seriously, am I the only family member who knows how to swallow babies?
@bestgirlbetty
Airborne_Ranger
Don't you hate it when you open your trunk and a naked asian jumps out and beats you with a crowbar.
@Airborne_Ranger
4
woodgoobimamarongillmoreGabryyl
mathcat345
Birds will not wait while you put fresh batteries in the camera. Birds are divas.
@mathcat345
13
woodxCaitlinxrongillmoreToujours_Divablondediva11cravenheartLorisayslinajkanonygirlJeeNeeBeefelicitousnavanaxFriedaClub
RolandSlinger
The only part of your face I like is the part the penis goes in.
@RolandSlinger
10
okaymissandreamannyteeeGabryylredgitawoodHisTigerLilyShann318SnarkToastunanythinggoobimama
RexHuppke
Don't forget the reason for the season, how God sent his other son, Patrick, to free us from our leprechaun overlords. Amen.
@RexHuppke
ladawn
It's amazing how clean I just made my apartment using nothing but some Clorox and pure, unmitigated, righteous rage.
@ladawn
penbleth
I'm sorry. I don't know what comes over me sometimes.

Just like your mom.
@penbleth
badbanana
An airplane killed a jogger while making an emergency landing on a South Carolina beach. Which is why I don't jog.
@badbanana
bedheadblonde
I just saw a 300 pound grown-ass man riding a child's bike.

I wanted someone to laugh with me so badly, but you all live in the computer.
@bedheadblonde
StillDrew
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can see this, thank Al Gore.
If you can hear this, thank the LSD.
@StillDrew
Petherwin
Everyone’s got a book inside them, especially those who’ve just eaten one.
@Petherwin
8
woodcrustyjuggler72Finger_BuddyinteligensiaTriskothtollehausTheShaktiManpvaras
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