What is it about Twitter that makes me want to tell you all about my embarassing life while passing it off as jokes?

All my ex girlfriends are going to feel really stupid when I become the next Batman.

My cousin was all convinced I didn't care about his wedding just because I had a stain on my tuxedo t-shirt

I HATE those tweets where people say "RT if" when its not even an attempt at a joke or cleverness. RT if you agree

I don't always drink alone, but when I do, the tears make my drink salty.

When I was a waiter one of the girls I was serving handed me a piece of paper with her number. I didn't know what to do with it so I ate it

Everytime someone says sorry to me(which is several times a day living in Canada) I sarcastically reply with "apology not accepted, asshole"

I had never found so many enablers in one place until I joined Twitter.

Hey pretty girl who doesn't think she's pretty, tell me, how else can you explain this boner?

Me: Favstar why aren't you showing any of my tweets?
Favstar: You've received no stars.
Me: Oh.

The most successful relationship I've ever had is the relationship I share with my dog and he pees on my shoes every chance he gets.

It's not possible to hate everything. I've tried.

I wish you were "somebody that I used to know" but unfortunately I still know you and I'm not sure how to fix that without killing you :-/

I really want to meet some classy, intelligent ladies at the bar tonight. This monocle and top hat should help.

A girl that I'm not attracted to at all texted me "you are a sexy piece of meat" and I didn't know how to reply so I said "you are meat too"

Apparently, having ovaries automatically makes you right in any argument. Apparently.

Americans can make fun of Canada all they want, but we've never had a guy named Mittens running for pres. I assume his full name is Mittens.

And the award for Rhythm & Beatings artist of the year goes to Chris Brown! Oops I mean Raping & Blues- Err...

It's such a big turn-off when a girl slaps me in the face. Wait, did I say turn-off? I meant turn-on.

I drink my bourbon out of a baby bottle. It's comforting.