I'm the thinking man's village idiot.

Google Instant is like a really annoying friend who interrupts you & tries to finish your sentences with the weirdest shit ever.

At what age should I tell my pun he was unintended?

"Sorry Sir, did you say that your razor only has 13 blades? God, you're a loser. Are you even capable of getting an erection?" - Gillette

My parents named me Jennifer because they wanted to make sure that when my name is called in a room, at least 80 girls my age answer back.

I've got the moves like Jaggar. Thomas Jaggar, deceased American volcanologist. I have no moves.

Follow your dreams, unless they are ridiculous & time-consuming.

Just put the wrong disc in the DVD player & had to get back up and change it. I try to be positive but sometimes it's like WHY ME, you know?

If I'm in a public bathroom with a stranger I like to impress them by washing my hands.

HOLY shit guys, I met this dude last night and he said he was in a BAND. I pissed myself then gave him a hand job. LET YOUR FRIENDS KNOW.

Met a man tonight with a feather earring; he was all like 'hi, how are you, my name is--' but all I heard was 'rapey rapey rape rape rape'.

You're sealing your child's fate if you name him Tony. He can only become a personal trainer or a tiger. Those are the rules.

Somewhere out there is a lady gluing googly eyes on pine cones thinking to herself 'you know, I bet this could be a great Etsy business'.

Got pulled over, the cop said I was "driving erratically". I winked & asked if he didn't mean "driving erotically". He gave me a $300 fine.

It's tough out there for a girl who's looking for the best light rock hits of yesterday AND today.

If I was a grocery store cashier & someone bought toilet paper I'd be like "planning on wiping your filthy ass, eh? Great day for it."

Nothing's sadder than watching someone casually trying to convince others to start calling them by a nickname they made up for themselves.

The cashier at this self-checkout is such a bitch.

I don't have a pet, which is scary for a girl who lives alone. I mean...if I slip in the shower & kill myself, who's gonna eat my face off?

Every night before bed, I sit my dream self down and say "dream Jennifer? Don't be such a slut this time."