You truly do not know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a fuckin vending machine.

I don't know how I found myself in the back of this cop car, I clearly called shotgun.

I already feel like taking a fucking nap tomorrow.

I met with my ex today and she's still as gorgeous as ever except for the post-it on her forehead stating 'don't forget I'm a cunt'.

Dropped a Klonopin in the sink and subsequently I am now a licensed plumber.

In dog beers I've only had 2.

I don't understand the language you're talking, but can you shut the fuck up in that same language?

I'm a hopeless romantic. Either that or just fuckin hopeless.

When I fuck, I like to spread my arms like an eagle and hang wind chimes from them.



Cause I'm all romantic and shit.

Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of shit.

Intelligence is the sexiest quality in a lady, so quit being a dumb cunt and learn something.


There's pussy too, that's sexy as fuck too.

We're all here because we're not all there.

You wanna see what it's like to see someone with tourette's have a seizure and a stroke at the same time, ask me to go rollerblading.

Guys in skinny jeans...

Stop it. Just fuckin stop.

Turn on's:
Intelligence
Dark eyes
Dark hair
Narcissism
Nice ass
Great tits
Sense of humor

Turn off's
Yeast infections and tampon strings

Bitch please, no matter how much you vaggazle that thing it's still gonna look like a badger annihilated a bologna forest.

Fuck the pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow. If I traveled this far there better be sex, drugs and rock n roll.

Ha! Just recieved a DM regarding a spelling error. Let's see... I'll file that under 'fuck off'.

I'm right about 98% of the time. Who gives a fuck about the other 3%.

I'm sorry but if I get preejaculatory fluid all over you that's because I like you.