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You truly do not know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a fuckin vending machine.
I don't know how I found myself in the back of this cop car, I clearly called shotgun.
I already feel like taking a fucking nap tomorrow.
I met with my ex today and she's still as gorgeous as ever except for the post-it on her forehead stating 'don't forget I'm a cunt'.
In dog beers I've only had 2.
Dropped a Klonopin in the sink and subsequently I am now a licensed plumber.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of shit.
I don't understand the language you're talking, but can you shut the fuck up in that same language?
I'm a hopeless romantic. Either that or just fuckin hopeless.
We're all here because we're not all there.
Guys in skinny jeans...
Stop it. Just fuckin stop.
When I fuck, I like to spread my arms like an eagle and hang wind chimes from them.
Cause I'm all romantic and shit.
You wanna see what it's like to see someone with tourette's have a seizure and a stroke at the same time, ask me to go rollerblading.
If you're waiting for a man to sweep you off your feet, just remember, sweeping is your fucking job.
Intelligence is the sexiest quality in a lady, so quit being a dumb cunt and learn something.
There's pussy too, that's sexy as fuck too.
Bitch please, no matter how much you vaggazle that thing it's still gonna look like a badger annihilated a bologna forest.
I'm right about 98% of the time. Who gives a fuck about the other 3%.
Sense of humor
Yeast infections and tampon strings
Fuck the pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow. If I traveled this far there better be sex, drugs and rock n roll.
Ha! Just recieved a DM regarding a spelling error. Let's see... I'll file that under 'fuck off'.