I’d rather publish 1,000,000 photos of my butthole than my Google search history.

When you think of them as little mouth hugs, blow jobs actually become kind of adorable.

I'm like a million for a million on picking the bathroom stall that's just been pooped in.

I want to let people know I'm awful. Should I stomp on a kitten or take a sexy picture of myself in a bathroom mirror?

My mom just walked in on me singing “Wind Beneath My Wings.” :-( To my dog. :-( With the words changed to “Dog Beneath My Wings.” :-(:-(:-(

How to go from OK to suicidal: 1. Like a song. 2. Google it. 3. Learn it's by Bruno Mars. 4. Google Bruno Mars. 4. Learn he wears a fedora.

We all know one girl who's a liiiiiittle too enthusiastic about how much she loves her brother.

If I ever lose my memory in a tragic accident, I hope someone reminds me that wallet chains are for assholes.

If looks could kill, I would look at a LOT more people.

When I see someone reaching into their back pocket, I cross my fingers that they'll pull out a gun and not a picture of their baby.

Seems sort of like pretty handwriting is the consolation prize for being super dumb.

If you don't want to get a woman pregnant but are out of condoms, wear a turtleneck instead.

Stepped in dog shit speedwalking away from a bum. The end.

If you're going to start an argument with someone, make sure you don't have a lisp.

A dessert made out of fruit is like a blow job made out of teeth.

My cousin just started doing fitness competitions. I just pulled a muscle bending down too fast to pick up a cookie I dropped on the floor.

White eyeshadow is a good way to let boys know you know your way around a boner.

If only mosquitos were repelled by the same things as attractive men we could just bottle my personality.

My refrigerator beeps to let me know it has been open too long and needs to be closed. Wish my legs did that.

There seem to be far more handicapped stalls than there are handicapped people.