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The human body can survive 28 days without food, but only 11 minutes without Internet.
People ask, "What's Twitter like?" I say, "Imagine being eaten by a lobster, yet your cries for help are met only with puns about shellfish"
Unless John Craven sacrifices Matt Baker to the Wicker Man at the end of Sunday's Countryfile, we may never see Spring.
So few people now buy CD singles that Scotch have managed to score a Top 10 hit with 'Laser Lens Cleaner'.
Super Injunction is the worst superhero ever: "What's his special power?" "He can't say" "Oh".
So America now takes a slightly larger size of battery. Why all the fuss?
Think of a number. Now think of it wearing a little cape. Aww.
I still can't believe Union J won the Mercury Prize.
I like it when you can see the Moon in the day. It's like he's put his clothes on and gone to work, then realises it's Sunday.
'Yours sincerely' sounds a bit old-fashioned, so I now sign off formal letters *sincereface*
Due to an autocorrect cock-up, my time machine only lets me travel into the furniture.
Think of a number. Now think of it naked. You disgust me.
All sandwiches should, by law, be given a rating as to how difficult they are to eat in public.