Try to take left if you feel it’s not right.

What we all want in a news report is a solid lead – short, informative and straight to the point.

I do have a Police record.

The one with "De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da" on it.

don't even go to high school, kids. YOU'RE FORCED TO ENDURE THINGS LIKE THIS pic.twitter.com/dRTjrTdmHP

"Bi" was his last word when she left him for a woman.

I hope my 3rd grade teacher is still alive cause I just finished my report on what I did last summer

I'm sick of my wife listening to Cyndi Lauper CD's, time after time.

My mom is less of a cougar and more of a mellencamp.

the sound of light rain and burning leaves is the same

When Merriam-Webster added Google as a verb to their dictionary, Google was not very thrilled. Google thought it would hurt the brand.

mind your own business casual

my ability to trick people into thinking that I'm smart is unrivaled

@royalacesjoker this stolen tweet just got you unfollowed. soz hun.

just passed walden pond, about 2 cry probably

indie rock hard abs

I like to use the term 'aught' instead of 0. For example, I've had aught sex in 5 years.

I know you have many follow options on Twitter and I thank you for choosing @zachheltzel.

Hey morning radio hosts, that's not funny. None of it is. You're hacks.

She said we got off on the wrong foot, but I don't think she has a leg to stand on.

The cool thing about amnesia is that if I forget who you are, you have another chance to make a first impression.