The thing about silent films, I'm constantly falling in love with dead people.

To err is human. To arr is pirate.

When someone uses the term pregnant pause, don't you just wish you could whip out a fertile semicolon?

If you're counting the planets in their progression from the sun, then, folks, we're ALL third world.

@ebertchicago i say every october 14th to commemorate e. e. cummings' birthday, we all, for that one day, do away with uppercase.

AZ Governor Jan Brewer says the nicest things about Jesus. So I'm a bit surprised she's deporting him and the rest of the Gonzales family.

I'm not saying she's a cocktease but you have a better chance of getting head from flat beer.

Marilyn Monroe stuttered. Used exaggerated mouth movements and a breathy speaking style to overcome it.


Having real nice tits also helped.

I propose a new 24 letter alphabet:

A _ C D E F G H I J K L M N O _ Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Yes, that's how much I detest B P.

Her beauty took his breath away. Her Glock 9mm pistol made certain it never returned.

Oh. My. God. I. Can't. Stop. Writing. One. Word. Sentences.

Eating Vietnamese.

Bad war, good food.

He offered her a glass of absinthe. "No thanks," said she, "I'm practicing absinthetinence."

Before Google hires you, you have to go through long, rigorous interviews. Which makes no sense. I mean, why doesn't Google just GOOGLE you?

Funny thing about aging: you keep getting smarter as the years fly by—then suddenly one day you're stupid.

Did I say "funny?" Meant tragic.

If these four walls could talk, they'd each ask for a new coat. And probably witness protection.

GE made $14.1 billion in profits last year. They paid ZERO income tax! Curious as to who their accountant is. Lex Luthor?!

If you find that "special someone" on the rebound, it's okay. Heck, a lot of big games have been won with a rebound.

I was once an amateur crastinator. Now, thanks to Twitter, I've turned pro.

Every novel is graphic. If you write it right.