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Get laid, or eat this burrito. So hard to choo- burrito.
I was sad to learn a chocolate lab is inedible.
It costs too much money to exist.
LOL is the new faking an orgasm.
When people tell me I'm funny, I'm like, "Yeah I know I'm trying to lose weight." :(
I'm good in bed. You should have seen how I just powered through that nap.
I'm great in the sack. -A potato
I'm dreaming...of a white...boyfriend
I'm so single that when I order a double scoop, the one on top throws itself to the floor. :(
There is no single human in this world whose inability to love you holds the same amount of value as your life. Theme of the month.
Your vagina should not be lower than the hem of your shorts.
Man, I think I really get guys now. It was never about Zelda. It was the adventure, never the girl.
I want to make enough money to afford to be left alone.
I started writing for a show called "Everybody Hates Everybody" and it's about women.
There's a part of me that appreciates when Netflix checks to see if you're still alive.
If you think someone tweets too much, think about what it takes to even know that.
"I'm not anyone's girlfriend" sounds better than saying I don't have a boyfriend. Some man lacks me, not I him.
Here's to pretty women with filthy thoughts.
Every time I eat Chinese I feel like I weigh won ton.
When pizza's on a bagel you don't even need a boyfriend.