Rep. Todd Akin proves that information takes forever to make it to the Midwest. Like how babies are made is still uncertain here.

When my therapist told me I had boundary issues, I nearly fell off her porch.

I like my men like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.

I never jump to conclusions. I'm not that energetic. I kind of just roll into them.

Romney speaks for so few of us, he should be talking on a local cable channel in Montana.

Caller ID ruined my first hobby.

Instagram was the name of the guy that sold coke when I was in college.

I'm headed to church to hand out corsages to mothers. The ribbon says, "Some of your kids are secretly gay."

If Bachmann is on the Intelligence Committee, who the Hell is on the Idiot Committee?

There's just no way Roget wasn't annoying.

Palin giving advice on how to raise daughters. Next: Manson on keeping the family together.

You're right. There's no 'i' in team. Also, no b,c,d,f,g,h,j,k,l,n,o,p,q,r,s,u,v,w,x,y,z. Are we clear on how to spell team now?

The Republican rape kit is a diaper bag.

I don't know if I'm antibiotic or probiotic.

When I screamed, "There's no law against someone staring in someone else's window," I was wrong. There are all kinds of laws against it.

Spackling sounds like way more fun than it actually is.

This year, I resolve to quit reporting old plot lines from As the World Turns as true life stories to my therapist.

I've written a protest song about protest songs. I call it, "We Shall Overcome Overcoming."

Probably the most important thing about being a writer is the ability to express, you know, stuff in a, you know, good whatever.

Your call is important to us. That's why we installed this recording to remind you for the next 45 minutes just how important you are.