I spit my gum out into the baby's diaper, just because I like to fuck with future archeologists.

Toddler, I've accepted that privacy no longer exists in my world. But bringing along a tiny lawn chair to watch me pee crosses a line.

New toilet seats only cost $5.50? What the hell have I been cleaning these things for?!

Every time it's cold and you make a stupid "global warming is bullshit" joke, I place a bag of kittens where it didn't used to be sea level.

My VW Beetle can't deliver when I want a "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY" honk. It's all, "Hi! Let's get a latte after you move just a smidge!"

So when the Patriots win, we'll have indisputable evidence that God supports Massachusetts liberals and not conservative bible-thumpers.

MUST resist urge to potentially squelch toddler creativity (BUT HE'S MIXING THE PLAY-DOH COLORS) I'm Ok (FUCKING STOP THAT SHIT) it's cool.

Jim Lehrer more or less spent that entire debate trying to get someone to return his red stapler.

What Facebook really appears to need is a "Mark as Got Fat/Bald/Ugly Since High School, BAHAHAHAHA" button.

The books don't explain how to avoid laughing when your toddler affixes pizza to his face and declares: "I have a mustache. I awesome."

The problem with having procreated is that I am now expected to prepare something called "meals" instead of eating popcorn 3 times a day.

Only other parents can understand the quiet desperation of inventing sexual relationships between preschool cartoon characters.

Freeing Toddler's hand from the entertainment center, I discovered an uncooked lasagna noodle and my iPod. It's like fucking Christmas here.

Oh, Home Depot Guy, don't pretend. We both know that I just caught you singing along with Britney. Now baby baby direct me to the paint.

Who needs a pregnancy test? Just play "Tears in Heaven" on the radio and see if I cry.

What do you mean, make sure we have dinner for the babysitter? Is he too good to eat animal crackers dipped in nutella like the rest of us?

In honor of the offer made on our house last night, I have invented a new word.

"Lowballsy".

People who call parents of unusually-named children "stupid hippies" seem to forget the conservatives are led by men named Rush and Newt.

It's ok, Canada. We can just cuddle.

If it was put to a referendum, pretty sure
Massachusetts would vote to ban Republican marriage.