LMAO MT @lucywolvert: Whenever a bird shits on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch just to let them know what I'm capable of

You can't hate gay people out of existence. You tried that with minorities. Sorry.

i'm glad twitter is being archived. i want future generations to know how much we cherished bacon, wine and cats.

2012 as "the end" is crap. End of the world talk hasn't even hit twitter yet. I'm supposed to believe the Mayans over Trending Topics?

so apparently my pleas for someone to fertilize my crops on facebook were grossly misinterpreted.

don't get why "VH1 Reality Show" Barbie wasn't successful. She even came w/color change ratty extensions & lacked meaningful life goals.

cue people who "aren't" interested in Jodi Arias discussing how they aren't interested in Jodi Arias.

@madamenoire i think the way people treat waitstaff & workers in the food service industry will tell you all you ever need to know abt them.

i dislike Facebook's new peer pressure feature. 'You haven't talked to Susie in awhile. Write on her wall.' Damn, get out of my business.

tomorrow, i i will plant my butt in a seat. and write. i'll be at a coffee shop, but to make it less cliche', i'll do shots. of vodka.

Where is the acoustic version of Gangnam Style that no one (but me) is asking for?

Adam Lambert totally gets to touch girls more than you do.

@jodiann_arias judgmental? YOU SLIT TRAVIS' THROAT. Yes, we should judge you for that.

Every time I hear that heterosexual couples are better for children. I start mentally listing all the people who that didn't work out for.

please don't do anything stupid during twitter maintenance. like talk to your friends in the real world. or worse, spend time w/ your spouse

LMFAO "Then I saw her face, now I'm gonna leave her." #jimmyfallon #misheardlyrics

You don't need a class. Here's how you win at twitter. Tweet about bacon, cats, sex, wine or politics. Be kinda funny about it. The end.

Which professions have the most psychopaths?  http://tinyurl.com/a7gpp88  (@whyofcorso @corporettelaw @motiontostrike @homesweethobbs @meggles426)

If you must be arrested, better to do it in an Elie Saab gown, I say. #gossipgirl

@blackvoices NAACP neither represents me nor is it symbolic of me. Being black is 1 facet of me, so Prez going/not going doesn't bother me.