If I haven't followed you back it's because I mistook you for a porn bot & you should really stop putting out such a porn bot vibe.

The hardest part of meeting new people is deciding which version of myself I should be around them.

Whenever I think I've written a truly brilliant tweet, I just sit and wait for the tweet thief police to show up and arrest me.

Not really a do-gooder. More of a do-not-so-mucher.

I lack the ability to watch a movie without reading about it on IMDB the whole time.

Wow! 0.0000000000000000000003% of the world's population follows me!

My goal is to rise to the top and takeover twitter but only one thing stands in my way: my inability to be funny and/or interesting.

Help me out here.
Does "blowing chunks" mean vomiting or fellatio for fatties?

My ex-husband would be super pissed if he knew I was giving you guys gold stars for the stuff I divorced him over.

I know there's a lot of pain & heartache in the world, but I think I could deal with it better if I had perfectly toned abs.

Why don't we just shoot all of earth's garbage into a black hole? Let the other dimensions deal with it.

When he said he likes everything but sex, I should've known that 'but' had two Ts.

He googled me and yet I felt nothing.

Let's turn old cliches into clever jokes until we all end up wanting to sex each other & let's do this all day, every day forever.

I was typing a word and my iPhone thought it was a different word. Oh my gosh! It was so funny. You had to be there.

If I ever get the opportunity to name a street I'm definitely naming it Goa Way.

I'll just check twitter real fast.

...6 hours later...

Just ate a roll of SweetTarts like it's my job and I'm the boss of said job and now I'm gonna have to take a sick day because my tummy hurts

Sounds like hell is really into segregation with all its special places.

Once a month I am attracted to men and women. I call it my bicycle.