You guys talk a lot of shit about fat girls until it's time to get your dicks sucked.

i don't follow any comedians because i'm already following everyone they get their material from.

Redheads do what blondes only promise.

Tampons never speak when you pass them by on the street because they're stuck up cunts.

You can all stop notifying us that you 'tweet random shit' in your bio. That's sort of the fucking point.

so, what did all you assholes do before you started putting so much effort into not giving a fuck?

you know i haven't truly accepted you as my boyfriend until i move your penis like a gear shift in my hand while making car engine noises.

how did helen keller know when the coast was clear to masturbate or did she walk around just playing in her hole like a monkey?

if you say my name 3 times while looking at my avi and jerking off, i'll appear kneeling in front of you, mouth wide open, ready to swallow.

Relax fellas. Porn doesn't lie about everything. All hot girls have sleep overs and pillow fights in nighties.

it's easier to find you to star fuck you when i can click on your avi that's under my tweet on favstar. exactly.

i have a sneaking suspicion that some of you who tweet about hating hipsters ARE, in fact, HIPSTERS.

wait. what? people UNSTAR shit? that's a whole lotta fucking effort. sounds like someone on twitter is giving a fuck. uh oh.

some of you hand out stars like you're jewish and they're actually made of gold. greedy fuckers.

if you want a boobie picture, you have to give me a ToTD trophy like everyone else.

My ex husband Jesus turned everything into whine.

you think i unfollowed you because of that last single tweet before i hit the button? nope,it was a whole lot of shitty tweets in a row.

do you know how many dudes' asses you have to poke around in before you FINALLY get the hang of giving a proper prostate massage? 4

After all the like a boss tweets, I'm now wishing the Internet hadn't evolved but stayed very rudimentary, like a DOS.

Porn is not the enemy. Spouses who withhold sex are.