More $ is spent on boobjobs & viagra than on Alzheimer research. By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks & no fuckin idea why!

the awkward moment when you get in the van and the old man doesn't have any candy.

"Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them."

Damaged people are the most dangerous - because they know they can survive

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

Is it just me or does orange juice taste funny without vodka?

Bite marks are just love notes written on flesh.

My inner thighs are cold. Can I use your cheeks to warm them up?

Marijuana-Helping the world chill the fuck out since 5000 BC

I fell asleep thinking about sex, I dreamed about having sex, I woke up and now all I really want is....coffee. And sex.

I found my happy place! It's right between my legs.

Irish I were drunk.

It's one of those days where I'm either going to get caught masturbating in the bathroom or crying under my desk.

Go-Gurt should really re-evaluate their new slogan. I don't think "Slurp 'til it's flat!" is the best message to be sending to young kids.

Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate.

My friend just called my home phone. I said "Hey can I call you back? I'm driving." She said "Yea, drive safe!" Gotta love them blondes. :D

I am worth it.

Screw what they say.

Hey parents! If your kids are acting like animals in my bank, don't get offended when I hand them a dog biscuit instead of a lollipop.

I was supposed to be getting married tomorrow. Dreamed about it for 3 yrs.. until he beat me up & knocked my sister up, ah but such is life!

Duct tape can fix just about anything.... except for stupid.