"You fell asleep at 8:30 cause you were feeling sick?
LETS WAKE UP AT MIDNIGHT AND EAT ALL THE CAPTAIN CRUNCH!"

-My Brain, apparently

I approach sex like a deer learning to walk for the first time. Very clumsy with a lot of unpleasant nose dives.

I wish I loved anything as much as Drunk chicks love singing Don't Stop Believing.

Both my boyfriend and his Mom have seen me naked. Its like a tragic, unwanted X-Box Acheivement

"Ah fuck it. You'll work."

-The title of my Book on Dating

Facebook is a perfect way to lose friends by posting pictures of yourself light saber fighting someone with massive dildos. Also success.

Don't get weird and shit when I say I Love You, I also love when porn stars get cum in their eye and they don't get all awkward afterwards

A friend said he ate a snack pack while on the toilet and didn't laugh when I sang Circle of Life, so we're no longer friends.

Axe made a new scent called Consensual Sex. Unfortunately, it was discontinued when they found it didn't appeal to the target market.

I'll say it if no other woman is going to.
Anal just feels like ground hogging a really big poop.
Not that sexy. Just a really big poop.

Look, I'm sorry if it takes me a few weeks to follow people back. I have shit for commitment and I'm afraid one of you will like NASCAR :(

If I was a Wookie, I'd be all "GARAAAAGACGJAAAAAH!!!"

Cause that's the only noise wookies can make :(

If I was a guy, I would invent drive by dick slapping.

Somebody Please make this happen for me. Complete my dream in my honor.

If nothing else, we should all be happy simply for the fact that we still breathe.

And beer. Mainly beer.

It's cute when guys pressure girls to have another girl join them in bed. Get the first one to stop faking it before going up a level, stud.

If my teacher says she's treating us like college students she should EXPECT us to do our homework tipsy and to come to class without pants

I'm engaged, but my strongest relationship is between me and self destruction.

If we had mini animals we could keep in our pockets we would never be angry again

I guess no matter how annoying she's being, it's frowned on to call your cousin's wife "Screechy McFuckerface."

Guns don't kill people, abstinence kills people