When leaving the house-

Women: "Did I remember to switch the oven off?"

Men: "Did I remember to delete my internet search history?"

When I win the lottery I'm going to eat the money then poo on an orphanage floor whilst shouting "FUNDING". Because I like charity

Injecting people with heroin is the new watching T.V.

I'm expecting to wake up in the gutter next to a bottle of crazy glue any minute, my entire life having been a solvent fuelled hallucination

Everybody is happy to take, none prepared to give. What happened to humanity?

You non-conformists are all alike...

I've been called a lot of things in my lifetime, but a whore? That's probably the most accurate

While you guys are sat complaining about how gay Twilight is, there's guys out there pretending to like it and getting laid

#ff @kassinnsb @wickedsica @garyjanetti @hcheadlines @thesulk

With the money Kid Rock made from album sales, he bought two cigarettes.

@bristolsweets We pee into our mouths then spit the pee out into the sink. Right guys?

Probability of winning the lottery: 1 in 13983816.

Probability of getting cancer: 1 in 3.

Have a nice day...

@cocaine_dealer Don't forget Michael Jackson in the late stages of his career

@huffingtonpaint Weird, I tried the same but house prices plummeted. A lot of places round here are abandoned now

@the_separatist_ Sounds like you need... Ad-Away 5000! Only $6 per month Visa and Mastercard accepted

I'm beginning to think Dr Pepper isn't a real doctor. He just sits there, fizzing

@carolinasong Did you just fart? Because you blew me away

@travleblanc Ha ha I love it!

@theonion - Choking on a cinnamon croissant #SmugFuckerDeaths