Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
If you tell me to "chillax," I will "chillstab" you and "chillaugh" while you bleed to "chilldeath."
"Beer gut" sounds negative. I prefer to call it my "cock awning."
I don't consider "cocksucker" to be an insult. Cocksuckers are okay in my book.
Video game nerds like to take their gaming passion into the bedroom. When getting head for the first time, they think UNLOCKED: BLOWJOB.
"Are you strong enough to be my man?"
Translation: I'm a psycho bitch. My mood swings are epic. I'm actually totally undateable. Wanna fuck?
My cock is a frequent stroke victim.
Someone once said "dream out loud." So I screamed "A GIANT WARTHOG IS TRYING TO SODOMIZE DON KNOTTS! WHERE IS MY SWORD MADE OF GARLIC!!"
The name of every town in NW Missouri sounds like it should probably be followed by the phrase "Where they found all those dead kids."
I was taught young to keep my expectations low. Our family crest is just the words DON'T EVEN BOTHER FATTY scribbled on a bag of pork rinds.
What flavor do you get when you put each flavor of Jelly Belly into your mouth at the same time?
When I was young, we had an effective anti-bullying measure. It was called Not Being A Sensitive Fucking Pussy.
"RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"
"Kraken's not here."
"What? Ugh! What can we release?"
"Gary?! Dammit! Fine... RELEASE THE GARY!"
My wife just said "I didn't think I'd ever stop shitting."
YOU CANNOT HAVE HER! SHE'S MINE! YOU CANNOT HAVE HER! SHE'S MINE!
My stripper name would be Eww Gross Get Him Off The Stage.
Creepiest Sound Ever: One person laughing hysterically in an empty public restroom.
If anybody asks me what I'm going as for Halloween, I'm going to whisper lustily "Your lover" and stroke their cheek seductively/creepily.
A Study In Sundays:
Facebook: Had a lovely brunch with my GFs. So yummy!
Twitter: Woke up in a dumpster. Hungover. Did I blow someone?
I imagine Denise Richard's autobiography is full of deep insight into her acting process. Or crayon drawings of ponies. Whatever.
Why buy a leafblower, when Mother Nature will just blow the leaves around for free, you studious white busybody assfuck?
I didn't get invited to sleepovers because I was a "triple threat," a bedwetter with stinky farts that played with myself in my sleep.
Isn't it obvious Switcher is behind all of this?