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Favorite Characters On Girls:
Every time a woman says “Girls Night Out,” a library crumbles to dust and blows away.
INTERNAL NETWORK ERROR: YOU HAVE EXCEEDED YOUR LIFETIME ALLOTMENT OF THE INTERNET ACRONYM “LOL” PLEASE EXPRESS YOUR LAUGHTER SOME OTHER WAY
Other Dryer Sheet Scents:
Greek Restaurant On Fire
Old Cheese Dip
I don’t trust artichokes. They look like pinecones that have become very uppity.
Top Selling Bath & Body Works Hand Soaps
Fresh Burnt Popcorn
Uncle’s Rec Room
Sweaty Yoga Mat
Lesser Known University Of Phoenix Degrees:
Chili Cook-Off Management
Okay, you don’t need to unzip that body bag so erotically, sir.
I cannot take your Gatsby themed birthday party seriously unless the guest of honor gets shot and left to die in the swimming pool.
Her MedAlert bracelet says SQUIRTER.
Twitter feuds are like watching two ugly mangy dogs fight over a used diaper in an alley behind a dive bar.
I liked his handle. A ham tornado. How delicious. How destructive. How deliciously destructive. I'd like to be showered in ham.
“Estate sale”: for when you can’t say “You know that guy down the street who died of autoerotic asphyxiation? They’re selling his stuff.”
He thought she was diffident and aloof, but he couldn’t be sure. He didn’t know what those words meant. He was pretty dumb.
Ringtone Idea: Burt Reynolds’ laugh, circa 1977
One day, They came and took all the slam poets away. They haven’t come back, and it’s been pretty nice.
Everything is a carcinogen. People are carcinogens.
He’s so rich that he’s cutting up lines of cocaine with a 1909 Honus Wagner baseball card.
Catch me in the club, presenting theories as to who Jon Snow’s real mother is.
“Ukelele” is an old Hawaiian word that means “not a guitar, you hipster cuntrag.”