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Favorite Characters On Girls:
Every time a woman says “Girls Night Out,” a library crumbles to dust and blows away.
INTERNAL NETWORK ERROR: YOU HAVE EXCEEDED YOUR LIFETIME ALLOTMENT OF THE INTERNET ACRONYM “LOL” PLEASE EXPRESS YOUR LAUGHTER SOME OTHER WAY
Other Dryer Sheet Scents:
Greek Restaurant On Fire
Old Cheese Dip
Lesser Known University Of Phoenix Degrees:
Chili Cook-Off Management
Okay, you don’t need to unzip that body bag so erotically, sir.
Her MedAlert bracelet says SQUIRTER.
Twitter feuds are like watching two ugly mangy dogs fight over a used diaper in an alley behind a dive bar.
I liked his handle. A ham tornado. How delicious. How destructive. How deliciously destructive. I'd like to be showered in ham.
He thought she was diffident and aloof, but he couldn’t be sure. He didn’t know what those words meant. He was pretty dumb.
He’s so rich that he’s cutting up lines of cocaine with a 1909 Honus Wagner baseball card.
Everything is a carcinogen. People are carcinogens.
Hope is a cigarette. You light it, take two drags from it, then you remember how horrible it is, and you stub it out before anyone sees you.
That wellspring of pride that comes from hearing a loved one say “regardless” instead of “irregardless.”
Keep in mind: in order to do some soul-searching, one must have a soul.
I propose we change the motto on our money from “In God We Trust” to “Garbage In, Garbage Out.”
The kid said “I love you.” I almost said “I know,” but I don’t think he’s ready for the profound complexities of Han Solo.
A velvet painting of Glenn Danzig on the wall. A suggestion of class, of grace, of impeccable taste.
We can tell this is an active volcano because it has a “26.2” sticker on the side of it.
I’m sorry I said your dad had “dick-sucking lips.”
I've got good news. That gum you like is going to come back in style