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Favorite Characters On Girls:
INTERNAL NETWORK ERROR: YOU HAVE EXCEEDED YOUR LIFETIME ALLOTMENT OF THE INTERNET ACRONYM “LOL” PLEASE EXPRESS YOUR LAUGHTER SOME OTHER WAY
Other Dryer Sheet Scents:
Greek Restaurant On Fire
Old Cheese Dip
Lesser Known University Of Phoenix Degrees:
Chili Cook-Off Management
Okay, you don’t need to unzip that body bag so erotically, sir.
Her MedAlert bracelet says SQUIRTER.
Twitter feuds are like watching two ugly mangy dogs fight over a used diaper in an alley behind a dive bar.
I liked his handle. A ham tornado. How delicious. How destructive. How deliciously destructive. I'd like to be showered in ham.
That wellspring of pride that comes from hearing a loved one say “regardless” instead of “irregardless.”
Keep in mind: in order to do some soul-searching, one must have a soul.
I propose we change the motto on our money from “In God We Trust” to “Garbage In, Garbage Out.”
The kid said “I love you.” I almost said “I know,” but I don’t think he’s ready for the profound complexities of Han Solo.
A velvet painting of Glenn Danzig on the wall. A suggestion of class, of grace, of impeccable taste.
We can tell this is an active volcano because it has a “26.2” sticker on the side of it.
I’m sorry I said your dad had “dick-sucking lips.”
A genie offers you unlimited sexual prowess, but every time you ejaculate, your sexpartner hears the Fail Trombone from The Price Is Right.
Scare old white people by telling them those PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS signs are posted because of Obamacare.
She Thinks My Post-Modern Ennui Is Sexy
Inside The Actors’ Studio with the cast of Empire Records. It’s very clear that everyone hates Renee Zellweger. Rory Cochrane is very drunk.
Your Elvis impression makes me wish you had died on the toilet.
In 4th grade, I named all the presidents in order and won a piece of bubble gum. Those were good times.