It takes about 3 days to get to the moon. It will take about 4 days for the paycheck I just deposited to be in my account. Just sayin.

So who else is basting a turkey with four loko?

I have had too many exs and not enough Os

Time to take off my morning pajamas and put on my afternoon pajamas

You do not live in a "flat", douche face, it's an apartment. You're from Ohio.

who put the soft taco in my glove box?

Nothing gay about a fire breathing armadillo riding on the back of a dragon

Ooops...it's a peach. Whatever. Its still the best pear ever.

Have some tact, people. Handjobs are no laughing matter.

Woke up with a bruised arm, hickey on my neck, and no side mirror on my car. Thanks, twitter. #summerseve

I really need to follow sleep tonight. I think it blocked me.

Deep Space Nine was so much better than Voyager. But Voyager was still awesome. Related: I'm still single.

People suck. I'm moving to robot island.

Just woke up in the middle of the night and the first thing that came to mind was "Night Court was a funny show." It really was.

These Mosquitos want my half Jew blood. They want to be the chosen bugs.

Protecting my personal taco

Just keepin it hebrah with my Jews

Hey, person who is supposed to be home sick and so I'm covering your shift today...why does your facebook say "headed to the beach"?

Pretty sure @benmarvin is the Kanye West of The Internet

"Ben Marvin became a fan of Niche Digging on Facebook and suggested you become a fan too." I have no words for this.