Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the reply-all jackass in every mass email.

If I had a penny for every time people misspelled my name, I'd have enough to weigh down the bodies so they would never be found.

Dear ad writers: "Cloud" is not synonymous with "internet." Please look into it.

I used to correct people before they made embarrassing typos on public documents. But I'm tired of fighting natural selection.

Street person: "How much for the hour?"

It might be time to rethink these boots.

A guy just smacked into a sign while complimenting my legs. That's how I like to judge my outfits: how much head trauma they cause.

I used to dislike Palin for her poor decisions, low intelligence, and bad politics. But I've made progress: now I motherfucking hate her.

My old Dilbert books are really depressing now. Back then, I thought Scott Adams was joking. Now I understand that he was trying to warn me.

I've recovered from my death sickness. Now I'm back in the office. It feels like a lateral move.

Quicktime, you don't have to keep updating for me, baby. I love you just the way you are. Well. Tolerate. Tolerate is really more what I do.

While planning dinner: "I'm in the mood for something easy and yummy. And your mom's busy tonight."

It is a wonder I have not been shot.

On one hand, referencing my homelessness at the office was a bad idea. On the other, not much fazes you when you're already a hobo.

Craigslist has a "baby+kids" section under "for sale." Turns out they only sell baby/kid *accessories.* There go my sweatshop ambitions.

Off to meet my very first friend from Twitter. If I don't come back, it turns out you're all serial killers.

Apparently the makers of this 99.9% jam-free paper packed up all the defective .1% and shipped it straight to my company.

Another day, another CAPTCHA test failed, another step towards having my membership in the human race revoked.

So we don't allow radios or food on the metro because they're too loud/messy, but these people can bring their spawn?

Why give me a whole goblet of wine if you don't want me to drink it? Silly minister.

Last night I downloaded the entire discography of the Black Eyed Peas. That'll teach me never to drink vodka again.

Every time Google adds people to your contacts without your permission, God moves a kitten into the "To Kill" box.