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And now we're talking about jogging while intoxicated. Where did this conversation go wrong? Or more importantly...when did it go right?
Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive: "Look at this bitch, eating fucking crackers like she owns the place."
My birthday wish is for rough sex with some meathead jock. I ask. Only the universe can deliver.
i just looked at my roommate's dog and said, "Alright, Shii-Ra, we're gonna go out again, because your daddy needs a drink!" #truestory
My workplace station looks like a serial killer came in and instead of killing me decided to draw me and- Why am I telling you this, again?
Free lobotomy for the next lazyass mofo who gets in my way.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back. Unbelievably rude.
The one time I really wish I had my glasses is when I'm looking for my glasses.
Blood is thicker than water. But syrup is thicker than blood - so technically, pancakes are more important than family.
The guy who flipped you off, fist pumped, and roared, "FUCK YEAH!" out the window as he rolled through that yellow? Yeah. That was me.
It's all fun and games until someone busts out, "Who's in My Mouth?" And then it's a party.
I'm so productive, that I can scour an entire office in a rampage, while looking for something that was within arm's reach the whole time.
My hatred for tamales is overruled by my stomach clawing at my throat for not eating anything else this morning. Oops.
My coworker, speaking about Rebecca Black, "I wish she would just get kidnapped."
I'm pleased to inform you that no one has been killed, maimed, or impregnated during the company lunch run. Also, that car's accel was nuts.
I just heard the term, "lesbionic" and now I keep picturing female stripper-y robots that are still unable to have...se-...-parate...cars...
Neurotic, erratic, lazy, and unpredictable geezer trapped in the body of a pocket-sized Asian seeks mouth/brain proportionate optimists for spray-paint tasting.