Wiggling out of your boxers,letting them slide onto your big toe, whirling them 3 times & flinging them into the basket is a superpower? Haz

Australians all let us rejoice, for we are young and free: unless the US asks then we'll drop our daks in hope of a reach around. #wikileaks

Convinced that elevator plaque that states "Designed to hold Maximum of 20 People" is based on the same logiic that puts 20 clowns in a car.

There's nothing like a good [redacted] to really spice up the [redacted] in your [redacted].

I love how white people are so excited about Black Friday. It's incredible to see interracial relationships blossom since Obama took office.

our safe word is "ow! ow! ow! oooowwwww!"

although occasionally it has been "what the fuck are you trying to do, kill me?"

Up all night partying like a hardcore 21yo! except the music is from iTunes, the drinks are from the cabinet, and the dancing's in my head.

I'm not being racist, but immigrants of the last two hundred years have wrecked Australia.

OMG, you know guys, it's one thing to piss everywhere, but how big do you need the damn hole to be so you don't shit on the seat? srsly!

When you reword the pun, you remove the fun and then the joke is broke.

Dear head: I know that you think in different ways to most people, but don't embarrass me with the fucking up of the grammer. Thank you.

Dear cyclists in my office, please:
1. Wear underwear if you wear lycra
2. Shoes are not optional
3. Do not sit at your desk "dripping"

Show me in my mouth where the bad cake was nom nom nomd

Dear 1980's Futurists: I hate you! Where's my Flying car? Where are my nanobots? Where's my Underwater & Lunar Apartments? My magic Pills?

?uoy htiw gnikcuf tsuj si yadnom ekil leef revE

I'd pay good money for an alarm clock that wanked me out of bed in the morning ... what!?

Why the LNP's NBN announcement should be a dealbreaker ...

The LNP have once again done what they do best - FUD...  http://fb.me/2oiZWWZa0 

the only thing more disturbing than walking into a "beat" toilet is discovering that the cubicle you're in is adapted for a glory hole 3some

I just got asked to stop ruffling her tinsel. Best holiday seasons euphemism ever.

Her: So he said, "I'll take you to places you've never been" me: that's sweet! Her: you'd think so, but he took me to a live bait shop