Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

Instead of saying "real life" we should just call it "offline"

I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments and sheer lack of common decency, that you and I could be best friends in no time.

My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we?

Of all the lies I tell, "I was joking!" is my personal favorite.

Kids today have it too easy. Just once I'd like to see them have to go thru the trouble of blowing into a video game just to make it work.

Some people have a little angel or devil on their shoulder whispering to them what to do in certain situations...I have @stevenbward on mine

I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen. I'm pretty sure that makes me a Magician.

Some days the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

When I'm in the shower, rinsing off my hair dye I sometimes act out scenes from a low budget slasher movie....

Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby.

If someday we all go to prison for downloading music illegally, I hope they split us up by music genres.

Having had its fill of burrito & soda, the stomach begins its hauntingly beautiful song designed to attract other stomachs. Lets listen...

I want to run through the jungle
The wind in my hair and the sand at my feet

In need of a beer pong partner... If you're not super cute, then you better be the nuts at pong.

Sometimes I find myself contemplating the meaning of life.. especially after a Jersey Shore marathon.

Whenever someone says to me "you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I say, "do you watch porn?"

I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don't own an iPad. Also, I'm out of vodka.

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs