@imhopel3ss awww. Will you be my best friend?

Can someone tell me..What do you do when you don't know what to do???

Tip for success: Use multicolored duct tape, it makes the hostages feel more at home.

@ridiculoussheri oh shit. Me too.

Shout out to one of my favorite people EVER @nickcoylemusic

@xgingeravenger thanxxxx!! :)

I want an auctioneer to read my eulogy.

You can now buy "Throwback" Pepsi that is made with real sugar. When will they start selling throwback Coca-Cola made with real cocaine?

To make it stand, u wet it. To make it wet, u suck it. To make it stiff, u lick it. To get it in, u push it. Threading a needle isn't easy.

@thenoahkinsey about that... Maury said "you are the father"...

@leechee420 more like transvaginal mess.

@imhopel3ss you are too f'n cute.

@mikecanrant I think you have to pass life-level 35 or something.

@andylassner I was totally there.

@leechee420 third eye blind always ended up being the go to case. Wonder why...sniffffff

@koalaslament I really did LOL at that.

Whenever I feel bad about myself I stop and think "it could be worse, I could be Lindsay Lohan." Then I always feel much better.

It's only a matter of time before the security camera footage at Wal-Mart becomes a reality TV show!

@jermhimselfish rumor has it you're the birthday boy.... **spanks**

@brentweets yeah most likely sometime in autumn.