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When I see an amazingly hot woman, I have two thoughts. And the second one is: “the first thought is NOT going to happen.”
There are two kinds of women: the ones that don’t like me and the ones that don’t know me.
Summer is coming and there is good news and bad news. Good news: girls go around half naked. Bad news: me too.
When you ask me “you want a coffee?” let me know if you’re talking bout coffee or sex. I don’t wanna say “no thanks” and miss a good coffee.
Yes! A woman said to me “I’d fuck you, you’re so HOT”. Ok, ok, she was drunk. And she wasn’t ‘exactly’ a woman. But the point is: I’m HOT!
Sex is becoming boring. Maybe I should try to do it with a partner for a change.
(Reasons why I can’t write romantic sitcoms). Me: “dad, tell me how you met my mother”. Dad: “In a gang bang”.
I admire those movie heroes who resist torture. In my case, if a torturer turns off my wi-fi, I tell him all the names. Alphabetically.
I like flirting in my own style: a smile, a glance, a Diazepam pill in her drink…
4 steps when I like a woman. 1) I stutter 2) I sweat like a whore in a church 3) I say something extremely gay 4) I pray for teleportation.
Five minutes a day I close my eyes, breath deeply… and picture myself killing Hanna Montana with a rusty knife. It’s my quality time.
When I was younger, I didn’t understand women, so I had an irrational fear of them. Now I understand women. And my fear has become rational.
Mom: “What you doing?” Me: “Checking Favstar” Mom: “Oh God, what’s that? Porn!?” (And after my explanation) Mom: “Jesus, wish it was porn”.
Dear druggist: when I say “condoms please”, don’t ask me “you want the largest size?” If I’d want the largest size, I’d yell it on entering.
Mom: “What’s the difference between twitter and facebook? ... Ok so twitter is for brief shits and facebook is for huge amount of bullshit.”
Writer / Producer / Prominent arachnophobic
