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When I see an amazingly hot woman, I have two thoughts. And the second one is: “the first thought is NOT going to happen.”
There are two kinds of women: the ones that don’t like me and the ones that don’t know me.
Internet: when you have absolute nothing to say, say it to millions.
Summer is coming and there is good news and bad news. Good news: girls go around half naked. Bad news: me too.
When you ask me “you want a coffee?” let me know if you’re talking bout coffee or sex. I don’t wanna say “no thanks” and miss a good coffee.
Yes! A woman said to me “I’d fuck you, you’re so HOT”. Ok, ok, she was drunk. And she wasn’t ‘exactly’ a woman. But the point is: I’m HOT!
Facebook is for nerds and losers. But Twitter is for… you know… for… us.
Sex is becoming boring. Maybe I should try to do it with a partner for a change.
(Reasons why I can’t write romantic sitcoms). Me: “dad, tell me how you met my mother”. Dad: “In a gang bang”.
There are a lot of bad things about drugs. First of all, the price.
I admire those movie heroes who resist torture. In my case, if a torturer turns off my wi-fi, I tell him all the names. Alphabetically.
I like flirting in my own style: a smile, a glance, a Diazepam pill in her drink…
4 steps when I like a woman. 1) I stutter 2) I sweat like a whore in a church 3) I say something extremely gay 4) I pray for teleportation.
Five minutes a day I close my eyes, breath deeply… and picture myself killing Hanna Montana with a rusty knife. It’s my quality time.
“Life is like a box of chocolates” ~ A diabetic guy.
When I was younger, I didn’t understand women, so I had an irrational fear of them. Now I understand women. And my fear has become rational.
Mom: “What you doing?” Me: “Checking Favstar” Mom: “Oh God, what’s that? Porn!?” (And after my explanation) Mom: “Jesus, wish it was porn”.
Dear druggist: when I say “condoms please”, don’t ask me “you want the largest size?” If I’d want the largest size, I’d yell it on entering.
Love hurts. Especially if you do it in the sea. During jellyfish season.
Mom: “What’s the difference between twitter and facebook? ... Ok so twitter is for brief shits and facebook is for huge amount of bullshit.”