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Being popular on Twitter is like being famous in Canada.
The Mayan Calendar doesn't really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
One thing I'm going to miss when I'm a ghost is the touch, the feel, of cotton. Unless it's also the fabric of our afterlives.
A lottery ticket is the best gift for someone who likes to be disappointed twice.
Just saw a dude in baggy pants, sunglasses, and gold chains order a soy latte. Lactose Intolerance 1: Gangstas 0.
Last night someone threw a condom at me onstage. I've never felt so endangered and protected at the same time.
I'm getting older... I only wanna rock n roll half the night, and party every other day.
No Shave November, Occupy Wallstreeters, No NBA basketball... it's like the whole country turned into Seattle.
I bet getting a Brazilian wax in Brazil is like going to the space needle when you live in Seattle, you only do it when people come to visit
When I see the exact same car as mine I like to imagine my long lost twin is driving it. Good job twin, on not being more successful than me
"I don't play Reindeer games" - profile on Reindeer dating site
If you work at Google and you ask your boss a dumb question he probably goes, "let me google that for you" really sarcastically.
True Story: My neighbors were stealing my WiFi so I changed the password and renamed the network to "Free Ride is Over"
If you rhyme Party with Bacardi you should be disqualified from your rap battle
Whenever a joke doesn't get a laugh, I just remind myself that Van Gogh died unknown and unappreciated. Then I cut off my ear.
I'd be the guy on Jeopardy who never buzzes in on time but shakes his head like he knew the answer.
Forty is the new Twenty, when you're filling up your gas tank.
I wonder if this rude sales clerk knows he's talking to the 1998 Greenwood Park Slip n Slide Champion.
Yahoo Answers makes a lot more sense when you realize it's just one guy talking to himself.
My name is pronounced Sung. I am a comedian from Seattle.
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