"Only a moron would quote themselves" ~ xunholyx

I just texted someone that my ass is as smooth as a baby's scrotum. You can't delete that shit.

If you keep smoking weed after you've already had enough, eventually Denny's sounds like a great idea.

If google ever breaks how will anyone be able to find out how to fix it?

I think it's important to crush the hopes and dreams as soon as possible for a spider who has built a web in a really stupid place.

Virgin olive oil sounds good, but I'd rather have something that has some experience.

I handle studs all day - horny gay carpenter

It's hard to tweet to 8 followers.

I want to do all the things with my penis that women would do if they had male genitalia for a day.

I was going to be a "glory hole" porn star but when I saw the camera on my side of the wall, I knew I didn't get the part I auditioned for.

When I first met her I thought she was an angel, right up until her wings got covered in menstrual blood.

@skullcat Thank you so much for everything. You did an amazing job and I'll love you forever!

Has anybody ever in the history of internet porn ever at any time clicked the "No, I'm not 18" button?

I feel so lonely when I masturbate, then I come and it doesn't matter anymore.

DayQuil is for pussies.

Okay. I give up. How do we sleep when our beds are burning?

I've never understood the concept of "high-class escorts." They're still sucking dick for cash. They must have their pinkies up.

If I had $1,000,000, I'd buy you a way to never hear another Bare Naked Ladies song ever again.

Do you regularly read Popular Mechanics?
Of course you don't. Nobody does. Not even mechanics. Popular my ass!!

The best piece of advice I ever read was on a jar of mayonnaise:
Keep cool. Don't freeze.