Mom: Don't double dip the chip
Me: Are you serious? I came out of your vagina!
Mom: Yeah, then you grew up & put dicks in your mouth
Touché

Got pulled over.

Initiate BOOBS exit strategy.

Female officer! Abort! Abort!

No, wait. It's working!

Ticket avoided. Thanks BOOBS. ;)

"I CAN'T GET IT IN!"
-Me drunk trying to charge my phone

I learned everything I need to know about sexual seduction from a 1999 JCPenney lingerie catalog.

I like when people ask, "What possessed you to do that?" Cause then I can answer "THE DEVIL THE DEVIL AHHH" followed by a failed cartwheel.

You are eating nuggets.
I'm on a horse galloping towards you. My hair is blowing in the wind.
I halt next to you& hand you Sweet&Sour sauce.

You're beautifully insane &
insanely beautiful.

Hey tall guy!
I have wide hips to house your growing spawn.
Just saying... ;)

When I was a little girl all I wanted to be when I grew up was a velociraptor.

"Stay here. I'll be back later. Don't kill anyone! I love you!"

-What I say to my dog every time I leave the house.

Look at me,
Now look at my tits,
Now back to me!

What were we talking about?

Walked into my neighbors house.
She got upset and kicked me out.

I pointed at her 'Welcome' sign and yelled "FALSE ADVERTISEMENT!"

"Come again?" -me if I didn't understand you the first time
OR polite guy that wants to initiate round 2 of sex

"Where did you leave my body spray?"

It's in the tweeting room.

"What? You mean the bathroom?"

....yeah. That.

Most of my life can be described as "momentary lapse of judgement" minus the momentary.

I hate riding on the backseat of a car. Especially a cop car.

My signature move is not killing you in your sleep. :D

I looked at my dog & said, "a kibble for your thoughts." He shook his head & walked away. :(

This morning I googled: How to get a kitten to poop. I didn't have to finish typing it.

Me?
Just trying on adult sized footie pajamas.
What are YOU doing?