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lmao my friend used hand sanitizer as lube and now they are in the hospital
in search of a straight man who will feed me cool whip in my underwear
awww my cat likes to spend all her time on her back just like her mommy
i am old enough to remember when Beyonce was "19" years old for about five years
you're gone and i gotta stay high all the time *camera pans over my whole body covered in zebra cake wrappers*
I have picked boogers that are bigger than your engagement ring
tbh i just wanna eat a couple of Sonic chili dogs and touch some chest hair
October is eczema awareness month. we are not contagious, just itchy!
I'm the kind of person who will remember your pet's name before your own name
re-watching Supersize Me and he's eating a double quarter pounder with supersize fries and then he throws up. what a fucking wimp.
god i hate people who wait at the Starbucks drink counter like they own the place
Ben Affleck's dick better be worth the $12 i'm going to pay when i go see Gone Girl
i want to be a lesbian housewife
Bronson Pinchot needs to stop posting pics of random flowers on his Facebook and more of his handsome face