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lmao my friend used hand sanitizer as lube and now they are in the hospital
in search of a straight man who will feed me cool whip in my underwear
i am old enough to remember when Beyonce was "19" years old for about five years
you're gone and i gotta stay high all the time *camera pans over my whole body covered in zebra cake wrappers*
I have picked boogers that are bigger than your engagement ring
October is eczema awareness month. we are not contagious, just itchy!
I'm the kind of person who will remember your pet's name before your own name
re-watching Supersize Me and he's eating a double quarter pounder with supersize fries and then he throws up. what a fucking wimp.
Ben Affleck's dick better be worth the $12 i'm going to pay when i go see Gone Girl
i want to be a lesbian housewife
Bronson Pinchot needs to stop posting pics of random flowers on his Facebook and more of his handsome face
a guy asked me out via foursquare today so there's that
for some reason i picture Da Brat at some seedy lesbian club in the middle of nowhere begging people to do her songs for karaoke
call me Betty Crocker cuz my cakes stay plenty
watching To Catch a Predator and remembering the time I saw the dude I lost my virginity to on the show
i'm still in denial that the guy i lost my virginity to is now a registered sex offender