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lmao my friend used hand sanitizer as lube and now they are in the hospital
in search of a straight man who will feed me cool whip in my underwear
i wonder how many calories i burn from anxiety
awww my cat likes to spend all her time on her back just like her mommy
i am old enough to remember when Beyonce was "19" years old for about five years
you're gone and i gotta stay high all the time *camera pans over my whole body covered in zebra cake wrappers*
I have picked boogers that are bigger than your engagement ring
🚨 intervention is back on Netflix 🚨
tbh i just wanna eat a couple of Sonic chili dogs and touch some chest hair
October is eczema awareness month. we are not contagious, just itchy!
I'm the kind of person who will remember your pet's name before your own name
re-watching Supersize Me and he's eating a double quarter pounder with supersize fries and then he throws up. what a fucking wimp.
cannot believe Alanis Morissette lost her virginity to Dave Coulier but then again I lost mine to a future convicted sex offender so...
sext: lick the Doritos dust off my fingers
football fights make me horny
getting on I-95 from downtown New Haven is just like the scene from Clueless when Dionne accidentally gets on the freeway