the Derrida Locos Taco will deconstruct your bowels, eloquently

relationship status: box of wine

Post-Parkour Depression

I'm going to have a party for people who have trouble reaching orgasm; let me know if you can't come.

Here's to staying positive and testing negative.

Think you know pain? You haven't meet a 50-year-old woman with a skrillex haircut

Only took ten minutes for the daddy issues to come out. waiting for the tears (with lube and protection).

"I just got accepted to the University of Phoenix!!!!" - no one

"well, it's either chlamydia, a urinary-tract infection, or a prostate infection. having a bit of fun, eh?" #shitdoctorssaytome

I dreamed i was in an underwater post-goth cyber-punk warehouse with a BDSM show, and when i came up for air, a comet destroyed the world.

http://hotchicksblowingtheirassesdry.com/ - weirdest tumblr ever.

waking up with an erection is pretty patriotic, right?

A man was pulled out of an outhouse, drowning in shit. reason? he wanted to watch women poop. he was jerking off in a tub of shit

Some rats are offered booze to lower their sexual inhibitions. Some are given ptsd. #lifesastruggle #sfn

Probably. http://t.co/x8teXmWm

A Denny's Grand Slam a day keeps your sex life at bay

Fucking lol if you aren't drinking until you can't feel feelings right now.

A bus hitting me on the way to work this morning would have been awesome.

@happygodrink's tweets make me feel better about my dismal existence. #ff

going to start selling homeopathic cocaine to new-age shitheads